The feeling you get when you realize that every one is only looking out for themselves is really interesting. It is depressing, because you realize that you can't trust any one, and any hope you had that there really was good in people is gone. That is hard to wrap your head around, especially when it is so natural to want to believe that people are really good deep down. On the other had though, realizing that every one is selfish, relieves you of trying so hard not to be. I am upset that no one actually gives a single shit, but so stoked that I don't have to either anymore. I guess I see the appeal now that they saw all along.
I realized, that if you don't have money, transportation, sex, or the promise of any of the aforementioned list, chances are, people aren't going to care. Of course, there are a select few who are an exception, but they are few and far between.
I know that my biggest mistakes with people are trusting them and forgiving them when they break that trust. Over and over. I am far too trusting and forgiving. I am strong and opinionated but I tend to let people walk all over me too. I am over that. I am over the feeling of being let down on a close to constant basis. I give everything I have to the people I love and get nothing back.
I don't want to be that jaded, cynical, ass hole who doesn't let any one get close, but I feel it happening. I feel myself getting more and more angry at people in general as the days go on. It's irritating.
It really sucks, because the more I feel this way, the more I feel myself becoming a person who I hate. I am becoming more like them.
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