So today was just an asshole. One of those days where I drop/break everything I touch, burn my mouth on everything I eat, every plan I make falls through, everything sad I could possibly think about jumps into my head all at once... and then to top it off.. I am alone and don't even have a social outlet in which to ignore my problems.
I am just really aware these days of how much I am going backwards instead of forwards. I am annoyed with who I am right now, because it is not anyone I am comfortable being. I am too old for this. I want so much more for myself.
I look at the people around me and how they can just make things happen, which is how I used to be. I just knew what I needed and made it fucking happen. I guess it's like... You can be really good at keeping your house clean but if you let it slide for awhile you don't know where to start, and next thing you know you are a hoarder with opossums hiding under your chair.
Let me put it in perspective, I am the opossum. Or maybe I am the chair... Either way, I am in the way and I don't belong here.
This is not just about money. Of course, I need a job so I can take care of myself, and that involves money, but the worst part of all of this is all the fucking free time. All these days blending together, and there is only so much I can do to feel productive, which is bringing out the addict in me. Idle hands are Deavon's play things, right, isn't that how it goes?
When I am alone and bored I want to use. I want to get drunk. I want to make everything go away. I am not good at thinking about things I don't want to think about.
I guess that is just something I never learned, how to deal with feelings. I want to be happy all the time, and when I can't do it on my own I look for something, or someone, who can. Even if it's temporary.
Isn't that the most pathetic shit you ever heard? I have known and disliked people exactly like me and now I have become them.
I need to be in the woods. I think I will go for a hike soon, even if it's all by myself.
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