Thursday, August 16, 2012
For a friend. We have all been that girl before and probably will be again. Just don't give up before you have a chance to experience it. It's life. It sucks. Feel it all. It's all a story. :)
We are the ones who stay up so many nights, studying the backs of our hands.
We search for something we may have missed, we try to understand.
We are the ones who pull out our hair, throw pictures down the hall.
We are the ones with no warning, no preparation, not a single clue, none at all.
We are the ones who stand in front of the mirror and pick ourselves apart.
We are the ones, who are fragile,
We are girls with broken hearts.
We walk among you, everyday, you hardly know we're there.
We smile and wave and go about our day, while inside we are hollow and bare.
It isn't that we want attention or need you to sympathize,
It's just that we are sick of ourselves and embarrassed of our lives.
How could we let this happen? How did we let someone so close?
How is it even possible to be alive but live as a ghost?
When did we become so pathetic? We know this isn't us.
We shield ourselves with walls we've built because we are afraid to trust.
We are the girls with broken hearts.
We hide behind smiles and laughs.
We have seen storms and the darkest of days.
But we know, this too shall pass.
Hmm.
-I had trouble finishing this one, but now that I look at it, the relationship it's about wasn't worth finishing either. :)
Sometimes when I'm alone, my thoughts come flying at me with such velocity that I find myself teetering on the edge of what's wrong, and what's right for me.
Filling my lungs with smoke and thinking of your tongue and how it spoke to someone who was better than me.
Your hands sliding down her spine, and how just days before they were interlocked with mine.
How could you waste our time with line, after line, after line, after line?
And when I leave you want me back and here I am every time.
Once you've had your fun and you realize she's not the one, you call me with some bull shit about how you're done.
You've changed your ways
And want to spend your days
with me.
In your bed,
Messing around with my body and my head.
Sometimes when I'm alone, my thoughts come flying at me with such velocity that I find myself teetering on the edge of what's wrong, and what's right for me.
Filling my lungs with smoke and thinking of your tongue and how it spoke to someone who was better than me.
Your hands sliding down her spine, and how just days before they were interlocked with mine.
How could you waste our time with line, after line, after line, after line?
And when I leave you want me back and here I am every time.
Once you've had your fun and you realize she's not the one, you call me with some bull shit about how you're done.
You've changed your ways
And want to spend your days
with me.
In your bed,
Messing around with my body and my head.
Twang.
-This was written about the same guy I always write about. I tried to write about him a million times, but it all came out way too sappy. This is written in a gritty, old, country kind of way... Which is silly, and stupid, and making light of a hard situation. Which was way more our style. :) So read this in a southern accent, the more exaggerated the better, and feel free to laugh at some serious shit.
Come on in, gather round, and I'll tell you the story bout when I left town.
Me and Mady, that was my best friend, had the house to ourselves and a whole weeked
To do what we want and drink what we please,
only problem was, we only had a buck o three.
So Mady called her dude, who said he had a pal
Who had a case of beer and a pack of pal mals.
But he said he wouldn't show if there weren't no girls
we didn't know any but we gave it a whirl.
We called every gal we'd ever known, said "party at our place!"
And wouldn't you know,
A bunch of painted up skanks and a couple dumb hos
rolled up to the house with some wine and cigarettes
short mini skirts and black fishnets.
It wasn't long before the boys walked in,
and how I wish I knew now, what I didn't know then.
He was at least six three and about a buck ten
With skull tattoos and a wicked grin.
He walked right in and gave me a beer,
Said, "My name's Nathan and I'm new around here."
I looked around at the pretty dumb girls,
spillin thier drinks and twisting their curls.
Thought there's no way he's gonna want me,
short, and fat, and chuggin on whiskey.
But boy was I wrong, dead wrong in fact,
because later that night, I was on my back.
Get your head out the gutter, I aint no floozy.
But I did lay in the grass and let him kiss me.
And let me tell you, what a mistake that was
because before I knew it,
we were in love.
Like I loved him, and he loved me
and we both had a likin for gettin high and gypsies.
So we put our interests to work and packed a bag
set our sights for California and our drug dealers pad.
We started walkin and I stuck out a thumb
and it wasn't long before we were long gone.
Sleepin in parks, buildin fires on the beach, smokin dope, and livin free.
He told me stories of where we'd go
about Las Angelos and San Francisco.
It was in a doorway, a quarter past three,
cuddeled up on the Haight and Ashbury concrete,
when he looked in my eyes and said the words
that would completely change my universe.
Said, "I love you girl, more than you know." and I knew that wherever he went, I was gonna follow.
Sometime later, we made it up north to his grandmas pad in a trailor park.
It was Christmas time, and his mama hated me
So she bought me a ticket for a train headed out at three.
I kissed Nathan goodbye, and he promised me,
That no distance could hold him and he'd be back for me.
He said he'd be back by the first, to be my new years kiss.
But what year he meant must have been the part I missed.
I watched the seasons roll by, without so much as a call to say, "Hi."
It would be two years 'for I saw him again,
Just as beautiful and strung out on Heroin.
He said he wouldn't leave, and if he did,
I wouldn't have to worry unless his guitar went with him.
I tried to save him, I helped him fight, but after eight days he left in the night.
I checked the room, and he was gone,
He took his guitar but left me this song.
So to all you girls who think love conquers all? Don't fall for a boy who smokes Pal Mals.
Come on in, gather round, and I'll tell you the story bout when I left town.
Me and Mady, that was my best friend, had the house to ourselves and a whole weeked
To do what we want and drink what we please,
only problem was, we only had a buck o three.
So Mady called her dude, who said he had a pal
Who had a case of beer and a pack of pal mals.
But he said he wouldn't show if there weren't no girls
we didn't know any but we gave it a whirl.
We called every gal we'd ever known, said "party at our place!"
And wouldn't you know,
A bunch of painted up skanks and a couple dumb hos
rolled up to the house with some wine and cigarettes
short mini skirts and black fishnets.
It wasn't long before the boys walked in,
and how I wish I knew now, what I didn't know then.
He was at least six three and about a buck ten
With skull tattoos and a wicked grin.
He walked right in and gave me a beer,
Said, "My name's Nathan and I'm new around here."
I looked around at the pretty dumb girls,
spillin thier drinks and twisting their curls.
Thought there's no way he's gonna want me,
short, and fat, and chuggin on whiskey.
But boy was I wrong, dead wrong in fact,
because later that night, I was on my back.
Get your head out the gutter, I aint no floozy.
But I did lay in the grass and let him kiss me.
And let me tell you, what a mistake that was
because before I knew it,
we were in love.
Like I loved him, and he loved me
and we both had a likin for gettin high and gypsies.
So we put our interests to work and packed a bag
set our sights for California and our drug dealers pad.
We started walkin and I stuck out a thumb
and it wasn't long before we were long gone.
Sleepin in parks, buildin fires on the beach, smokin dope, and livin free.
He told me stories of where we'd go
about Las Angelos and San Francisco.
It was in a doorway, a quarter past three,
cuddeled up on the Haight and Ashbury concrete,
when he looked in my eyes and said the words
that would completely change my universe.
Said, "I love you girl, more than you know." and I knew that wherever he went, I was gonna follow.
Sometime later, we made it up north to his grandmas pad in a trailor park.
It was Christmas time, and his mama hated me
So she bought me a ticket for a train headed out at three.
I kissed Nathan goodbye, and he promised me,
That no distance could hold him and he'd be back for me.
He said he'd be back by the first, to be my new years kiss.
But what year he meant must have been the part I missed.
I watched the seasons roll by, without so much as a call to say, "Hi."
It would be two years 'for I saw him again,
Just as beautiful and strung out on Heroin.
He said he wouldn't leave, and if he did,
I wouldn't have to worry unless his guitar went with him.
I tried to save him, I helped him fight, but after eight days he left in the night.
I checked the room, and he was gone,
He took his guitar but left me this song.
So to all you girls who think love conquers all? Don't fall for a boy who smokes Pal Mals.
Alice.
I took a walk to clear my head and it suddenly starts raining.
"Of course!" I say, a little too loud and a woman hears me complaining.
She has ghost whit hair, leather skin, and a cigarette in her hand.
She says, "Tell me your troubles, sweet heart, and I'll try to understand."
I shelter myself under the cover of her interest in me and instantly forget the rain.
Then I pour out all my misery, thoughts, and my pain.
All the boys that broke my heart, the girls I wish I was, how all I ever wanted, really, was an ounce of my mothers love.
The woman listened quietly, just puff, puff, puffing away, and when I finally stopped for breath,
This is what she had to say:
"You're problem is, girly, you need a man not a boy; A strong and able lover who won't treat you like a toy.
And those girls aint got nothin, that you yourself don't have.
Except those cruel and little boys, and for that you should be glad.
So next time you see a guy, that's put you through sadness,
wink at the girl he's with and thank her for sparing you that mess."
With that the old woman smiled, and stared up at the rain.
She said, "Me and my mama never got along either but I'd give my new hip to see her again."
I thought for a minute and felt a little dumb for being so naive.
The woman must have sensed my strife and left this with me:
"Little lady, we all have had our share of pain, but the last thing you should ever do is blame it on the rain."
"Of course!" I say, a little too loud and a woman hears me complaining.
She has ghost whit hair, leather skin, and a cigarette in her hand.
She says, "Tell me your troubles, sweet heart, and I'll try to understand."
I shelter myself under the cover of her interest in me and instantly forget the rain.
Then I pour out all my misery, thoughts, and my pain.
All the boys that broke my heart, the girls I wish I was, how all I ever wanted, really, was an ounce of my mothers love.
The woman listened quietly, just puff, puff, puffing away, and when I finally stopped for breath,
This is what she had to say:
"You're problem is, girly, you need a man not a boy; A strong and able lover who won't treat you like a toy.
And those girls aint got nothin, that you yourself don't have.
Except those cruel and little boys, and for that you should be glad.
So next time you see a guy, that's put you through sadness,
wink at the girl he's with and thank her for sparing you that mess."
With that the old woman smiled, and stared up at the rain.
She said, "Me and my mama never got along either but I'd give my new hip to see her again."
I thought for a minute and felt a little dumb for being so naive.
The woman must have sensed my strife and left this with me:
"Little lady, we all have had our share of pain, but the last thing you should ever do is blame it on the rain."
Saturday, May 19, 2012
This might be the Vodka talking but, I want more vodka.
There is no way to describe how fucking much I miss you every single day.
When something goes wrong and I can't handle it, I know you would know what to do.
It's stupid, but I think of when I was young and reading Lord of the Rings and it was a really suspenseful part, and I was sure Frodo was done for, I felt a rush of calm if Gandalf was there because I knew that he would figure it out. Nothing bad could REALLY happen because he knew what to do. That is what having you in my life felt like.
No matter how bad it got, you could always come up with something to make it right, or at least take my mind off it.
Fuck. If I can't have you back, the only thing I want more is to stop wanting you so much.
Love is a fucking disease.
No matter how bad it got, you could always come up with something to make it right, or at least take my mind off it.
Fuck. If I can't have you back, the only thing I want more is to stop wanting you so much.
Love is a fucking disease.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Old E out of a wine glass. That's all the warning you get.
When people ask me, "Hey Deav, how's the job search going?!" I feel like punching them in the throat, because I know that question really means, "Why don't you have a job yet asshole?" A job search can't be going any way but badly unless I indeed have found employment, in which case it wouldn't be a search anymore would it? If you are looking for something and aren't finding it, that means until the item is found, it isn't going well. UNLESS the item you are looking for has left you clues and things that are leading you straight to it, I guess that could be considered a relatively good search. Productive. Promising.
So just for the sake of making things easy for you condescending meanies, the job search is going quite terribly. Would you like to know why? BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A JOB YET AND EMPLOYERS AREN'T REALLY LEAVING ME ANY GOD DAMN BREAD CRUMBS TO FIND ONE EITHER.
I am doing everything right. I have updated my resume, I write individual cover letters for every job, and I apply everywhere... Every day. I even applied to a couple labor jobs on Craigs List and then a job at Auto Zone. AUTO ZONE. I can't even drive a car.
It all comes down to one simple fact, and don't tell my mom I said this but, I feel like I would be having a much easier time if I would have stayed in school and then went to college right away. YES I did very well at PYB and YES I got my GED, but I was 20 when I graduated and then worked instead of going to school.
I need skills. I need a degree. I need to do what I really want. I applied for a job I know I am not going to get and I think I did it just because I know that's what I want, and I always work much harder for something someone tells me I can't do. I am just a defiant hardass that way.
So just for the sake of making things easy for you condescending meanies, the job search is going quite terribly. Would you like to know why? BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A JOB YET AND EMPLOYERS AREN'T REALLY LEAVING ME ANY GOD DAMN BREAD CRUMBS TO FIND ONE EITHER.
I am doing everything right. I have updated my resume, I write individual cover letters for every job, and I apply everywhere... Every day. I even applied to a couple labor jobs on Craigs List and then a job at Auto Zone. AUTO ZONE. I can't even drive a car.
It all comes down to one simple fact, and don't tell my mom I said this but, I feel like I would be having a much easier time if I would have stayed in school and then went to college right away. YES I did very well at PYB and YES I got my GED, but I was 20 when I graduated and then worked instead of going to school.
I need skills. I need a degree. I need to do what I really want. I applied for a job I know I am not going to get and I think I did it just because I know that's what I want, and I always work much harder for something someone tells me I can't do. I am just a defiant hardass that way.
NOW, in other news, I am still single which is great and I have been avoiding my ex like the plague which in the past I haven't been able to do and ended up back with him and all his unfaithfulness and spite. I made a pact with myself, like every newly scorned woman does, to not pursue any relationships, and just be alone for awhile, and wouldn't you know it? An old flame comes a blazin into my life out of nowhere and makes me forget all my sanity.
BUT I will have you know that I have controlled my emotions the best I can and have not jumped into any kind of rebound with this person at all. I have my moments where I want to maybe make things happen, but truth is? I just don't trust anyone. Relationships especially. What am I saying? MEN especially.
I am perfectly aware that is extremely stereotypical and I am sure there is a romantic comedy out there somewhere with a plot line like this that ends with the quirky, jaded, love hating, sexually independent girl falls for the Ben Afflek-esque male lead with a heart of gold who just REALLY loves her. But I am not going to be anyone's god damn Zoey Deschanell and the guy I am referring too is definitely not my Ben Affleck.
BUT I will have you know that I have controlled my emotions the best I can and have not jumped into any kind of rebound with this person at all. I have my moments where I want to maybe make things happen, but truth is? I just don't trust anyone. Relationships especially. What am I saying? MEN especially.
I am perfectly aware that is extremely stereotypical and I am sure there is a romantic comedy out there somewhere with a plot line like this that ends with the quirky, jaded, love hating, sexually independent girl falls for the Ben Afflek-esque male lead with a heart of gold who just REALLY loves her. But I am not going to be anyone's god damn Zoey Deschanell and the guy I am referring too is definitely not my Ben Affleck.
SO. Long story short? I am not looking for anything on any sort of serious level that will put me in a situation where I will get hurt again. Besides, I like this guy, and I know that if I was to get involved with him I would become clingy, jealous, suspicious, hot, cold, and weird like I always do and blow it.
So I guess I will just hang out and see where this dick head of a life takes me. Hopefully there is fiscal stability somewhere in my future.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Watermelon Hearts...
Holding onto hope that I am as delusional as people say I am.
This could be something pretty great if I don't fuck it up like I do everything else good in my life.
Sometimes you fall, spinning through space, grasping for the things that keep you on this earth. Sometimes you catch them. They can be the hands of the people you love. They can be your pets- pups with funny names, cats with ferocious old souls. The thing that keeps you here can be your art. It can be things you have collected and invested with a certain sense of meaning. A flowered, buckled treasure chest of secrets. Shoes that make you taller and, therefore, closer to the heavens. A suit that belonged to your fairy godmother. A dress that makes you feel a little like the Goddess herself.
Sometimes you keep falling; you don't catch anything.
Sometimes you fall, spinning through space, grasping for the things that keep you here. Sometimes you catch them. Sometimes you don't.
Sometimes they catch you.
Sometimes you keep falling; you don't catch anything.
Sometimes you fall, spinning through space, grasping for the things that keep you here. Sometimes you catch them. Sometimes you don't.
Sometimes they catch you.
What shall we do, all of us? All of us passionate girls who fear crushing the boys we love with our mouths like caverns of teeth, our mushrooming brains, our watermelon hearts?
Saturday, March 10, 2012
LOVE ME. LOVE ME. SEE ME. I EXIST.
When my aunt asked me to watch her dogs for her while she was in Vegas, I was stoked. It has been so long since I have been alone, or had any time to myself for an extended period of time in months. It started out perfect. I got to her apartment, made some food, youtubed people hurting themselves on various wheeled vehicles, and then curled up on the couch with the puppies to watch some cartoon network. After about an hour of being alone, I realized how bad I have gotten at it. Not even Billy and Mandy could distract me for long enough to not start feeling intensly lonely.
I always try to convince myself that I am independent and don't need anyone to feel like I exist but I am lying. I paced around the apartment and called everyone I knew and talked about nothing. I eventually annoyed myself with how needy I realized I was being, got dressed, walked to the store, bought cigarettes, bought a pizza, and came home. This was all in less than three hours.
I have been here going on 3 days now with no face to face human contact... I am losing it.
When and how did I become this person? That is so uncomfortable with who they are that they can't be alone with thier own thoughts?
I feel insignificant when I am alone. Like, if I am not surrounded by people I feel like I am no one. I know it's stupid, and I can't explain it perfectly. I realize this may seem like the makings for an amazing comedian or actress, but I am not very funny and the thought of thier even being a possibility that I might be in a movie with Patrick Fugit makes me sweat profusely.
I am not sure exactly what I am trying to do with this blog right now, other than prove my point that I can't not be communicating at all times, even if it's to a computer screen that no one but myself is likely to read.
Shit.
Well, Melissa is on her way home and will be here on Monday. So I will have her back and all order will be restored to my world.
I hope I grow out of this obsession with people someday.
I always try to convince myself that I am independent and don't need anyone to feel like I exist but I am lying. I paced around the apartment and called everyone I knew and talked about nothing. I eventually annoyed myself with how needy I realized I was being, got dressed, walked to the store, bought cigarettes, bought a pizza, and came home. This was all in less than three hours.
I have been here going on 3 days now with no face to face human contact... I am losing it.
When and how did I become this person? That is so uncomfortable with who they are that they can't be alone with thier own thoughts?
I feel insignificant when I am alone. Like, if I am not surrounded by people I feel like I am no one. I know it's stupid, and I can't explain it perfectly. I realize this may seem like the makings for an amazing comedian or actress, but I am not very funny and the thought of thier even being a possibility that I might be in a movie with Patrick Fugit makes me sweat profusely.
I am not sure exactly what I am trying to do with this blog right now, other than prove my point that I can't not be communicating at all times, even if it's to a computer screen that no one but myself is likely to read.
Shit.
Well, Melissa is on her way home and will be here on Monday. So I will have her back and all order will be restored to my world.
I hope I grow out of this obsession with people someday.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Sick
I am sick of women thinking being a bitch is a sign of empowerment.
"Yeah, I'm a bitch and proud of it, I tell it like it is!"
Honesty and malice aren't related, not even cousins.
I am sick of little kids being lied to about what love is,
Like Edward and Bella wouldn't be on sixteen and pregnant about to have twins.
I am sick of how love is portrayed as this easy obsession that is flawless and intense,
and defined in a matter of days.
Like if a man doesn't swear himself within a few hours of meeting,
he can't have real feelings for you ever,
and that's because in movies, love is forever.
And sometimes it doesn't work like that,
Sometimes you have to fall so deep in love you fall flat on your back,
and sometimes that person doesn't love you back like that,
and sometimes you get lost in love and have to find your way back,
and sometimes you have to back track to see what went wrong,
and sometimes you find it,
but it took too long,
and now you're stuck on your back for a man who doesn't love you back,
and you go back and forth between love and respect and can't decide which you want more,
when in reality?
Every one deserves both.
I'm sick of feeling like I can't show feeling.
Like a guy will be head over heels until I say something real,
and then I am crazy and clingy when all I was doing was telling you it hurts when you talk to other girls because that was never part of the deal.
I am sick of men being so indecisive.
Like they want it all,
but in reality they only want parts of it.
Like, "Be there for me when I need you, but don't expect me to do the same," and "Don't even look at another guy, but don't trip when you hear another girls name."
Like, "See ya baby, I'm goin out with the guys, don't wait up, I won't be back until sunrise."
Then the girl says, "Hey, I'm gonna go visit with the girls."
"Who's gonna be there, what time will you be back, will you be drinking, will there be other guys there, if so don't bother coming back."
I am sick of being compared to a man when I say something that gives an impression of how smart I am.
I am sick of being called a tomboy because I am strong and don't dress like I am going dancing every day,
and if I do, I am dressed the same way.
I am sick of being told I look like a dyke,
because first of all,
WHAT THE FUCK DOES SEXUAL PREFERENCE LOOK LIKE?
And second of all, my body is mine and that means strangers don't need to look at it all the time.
I am sick of girls acting like they aren't just as shallow as guys sometimes,
Like a guy will turn a girl down if she doesn't have the right color eyes,
but what girl hasn't turned away a guy because of his.... wallet... size.
I am sick of country singers practically rapping in their songs,
Like "I like my cowgirls in straw hats and thongs, she thinks my tractors sexy, and I smoke weed on the beach!"
The fuck would Johnny Cash say if he heard the shit they are trying to teach?
I am sick of losing the people I love to the drug I tried so hard to protect them from,
and I am sick of feeling like a hypocrite because sometimes...
I still want some.
I am sick of living in a world that makes people want to escape so bad they will abandon every dream they ever had.
I am sick of not feeling good enough because of what society tells me.
I am sick of blaming society when in reality, it's because that guy dumped me.
I am sick of walking through spider webs and beating the shit out of myself,
Like why hasn't evolution helped us spot that shit by now?
Speaking of evolution, I am sick of living in a generation of grown up kids,
and sick that I am a part of it.
I am a 22 year old toddler.
A walking, talking, fit throwing baby, with no motivation, and a valid Oregon ID.
I am sick of being too naive to stop trusting everyone I meet,
and I am sick of everyone seeing that and taking advantage of me.
I am sick of not feeling butterflies anymore,
like no one impresses me enough for my jaw to hit the floor,
and that's only because I am jaded and I have seen it all before.
I get it, you're in a band... snoooorrreee...
I am sick of feeling jealous of every girl that walks by,
because they have shiny hair and skinny thighs,
When I should know that confidence is so much sexier than what most girls do to impress guys.
I am sick of complaining so much I forgot what I was complaining about,
and by now I'm sure everyone has nodded out.
But wake up, I'm not sick of you yet.
"Yeah, I'm a bitch and proud of it, I tell it like it is!"
Honesty and malice aren't related, not even cousins.
I am sick of little kids being lied to about what love is,
Like Edward and Bella wouldn't be on sixteen and pregnant about to have twins.
I am sick of how love is portrayed as this easy obsession that is flawless and intense,
and defined in a matter of days.
Like if a man doesn't swear himself within a few hours of meeting,
he can't have real feelings for you ever,
and that's because in movies, love is forever.
And sometimes it doesn't work like that,
Sometimes you have to fall so deep in love you fall flat on your back,
and sometimes that person doesn't love you back like that,
and sometimes you get lost in love and have to find your way back,
and sometimes you have to back track to see what went wrong,
and sometimes you find it,
but it took too long,
and now you're stuck on your back for a man who doesn't love you back,
and you go back and forth between love and respect and can't decide which you want more,
when in reality?
Every one deserves both.
I'm sick of feeling like I can't show feeling.
Like a guy will be head over heels until I say something real,
and then I am crazy and clingy when all I was doing was telling you it hurts when you talk to other girls because that was never part of the deal.
I am sick of men being so indecisive.
Like they want it all,
but in reality they only want parts of it.
Like, "Be there for me when I need you, but don't expect me to do the same," and "Don't even look at another guy, but don't trip when you hear another girls name."
Like, "See ya baby, I'm goin out with the guys, don't wait up, I won't be back until sunrise."
Then the girl says, "Hey, I'm gonna go visit with the girls."
"Who's gonna be there, what time will you be back, will you be drinking, will there be other guys there, if so don't bother coming back."
I am sick of being compared to a man when I say something that gives an impression of how smart I am.
I am sick of being called a tomboy because I am strong and don't dress like I am going dancing every day,
and if I do, I am dressed the same way.
I am sick of being told I look like a dyke,
because first of all,
WHAT THE FUCK DOES SEXUAL PREFERENCE LOOK LIKE?
And second of all, my body is mine and that means strangers don't need to look at it all the time.
I am sick of girls acting like they aren't just as shallow as guys sometimes,
Like a guy will turn a girl down if she doesn't have the right color eyes,
but what girl hasn't turned away a guy because of his.... wallet... size.
I am sick of country singers practically rapping in their songs,
Like "I like my cowgirls in straw hats and thongs, she thinks my tractors sexy, and I smoke weed on the beach!"
The fuck would Johnny Cash say if he heard the shit they are trying to teach?
I am sick of losing the people I love to the drug I tried so hard to protect them from,
and I am sick of feeling like a hypocrite because sometimes...
I still want some.
I am sick of living in a world that makes people want to escape so bad they will abandon every dream they ever had.
I am sick of not feeling good enough because of what society tells me.
I am sick of blaming society when in reality, it's because that guy dumped me.
I am sick of walking through spider webs and beating the shit out of myself,
Like why hasn't evolution helped us spot that shit by now?
Speaking of evolution, I am sick of living in a generation of grown up kids,
and sick that I am a part of it.
I am a 22 year old toddler.
A walking, talking, fit throwing baby, with no motivation, and a valid Oregon ID.
I am sick of being too naive to stop trusting everyone I meet,
and I am sick of everyone seeing that and taking advantage of me.
I am sick of not feeling butterflies anymore,
like no one impresses me enough for my jaw to hit the floor,
and that's only because I am jaded and I have seen it all before.
I get it, you're in a band... snoooorrreee...
I am sick of feeling jealous of every girl that walks by,
because they have shiny hair and skinny thighs,
When I should know that confidence is so much sexier than what most girls do to impress guys.
I am sick of complaining so much I forgot what I was complaining about,
and by now I'm sure everyone has nodded out.
But wake up, I'm not sick of you yet.
Unfinished, unorganized, and unimpressive. I just need a place to store my slam.
Lighting a cigarette with the butt of my last.
Over exaggerated smiles to the ghosts of my past.
Pretending I don't seem them,
Ignoring they exist,
Even though they left their mark on my heart and my wrists
The feeling of needing something I can never have is killing me faster than the smokes in my bag.
Wanna clear my head,
Wanna erase you from it,
But your smile and your eyes keep flooding it.
How you made me feel was an indescribable bliss,
They way you changed my purpose with that first kiss.
Every time I write, I write about you.
Even when I swear to myself it's something I won't do.
Never again,
He's gone now for good.
No more torturing myself,
I will move on like you said I would.
But never the less
Every time I hold a pen,
Your lips, and your eyes, and your hips, and your lies, come scribbling out of it again.
I have spent so much time trying to define our love.
Did I imagine you?
Or were you really sent from above to teach me things,
Like love, and addiction, and fate, and pain?
How could something that feels so good be so bad for me?
You made me feel alive despite the fact that in hind sight you were deadly.
But I live, and walk, and moan, and stalk
You
Like a zombie.
But I don't want to eat your brain,
Just devour your thoughts and absorb your pain.
Rip open your mind
And sink my teeth into the memories of you and me
Then spit them out at your feet.
Because how could a boy like you forget a girl like me?
Over exaggerated smiles to the ghosts of my past.
Pretending I don't seem them,
Ignoring they exist,
Even though they left their mark on my heart and my wrists
The feeling of needing something I can never have is killing me faster than the smokes in my bag.
Wanna clear my head,
Wanna erase you from it,
But your smile and your eyes keep flooding it.
How you made me feel was an indescribable bliss,
They way you changed my purpose with that first kiss.
Every time I write, I write about you.
Even when I swear to myself it's something I won't do.
Never again,
He's gone now for good.
No more torturing myself,
I will move on like you said I would.
But never the less
Every time I hold a pen,
Your lips, and your eyes, and your hips, and your lies, come scribbling out of it again.
I have spent so much time trying to define our love.
Did I imagine you?
Or were you really sent from above to teach me things,
Like love, and addiction, and fate, and pain?
How could something that feels so good be so bad for me?
You made me feel alive despite the fact that in hind sight you were deadly.
But I live, and walk, and moan, and stalk
You
Like a zombie.
But I don't want to eat your brain,
Just devour your thoughts and absorb your pain.
Rip open your mind
And sink my teeth into the memories of you and me
Then spit them out at your feet.
Because how could a boy like you forget a girl like me?
Monday, February 20, 2012
My ears are ringing.
The feeling you get when you realize that every one is only looking out for themselves is really interesting. It is depressing, because you realize that you can't trust any one, and any hope you had that there really was good in people is gone. That is hard to wrap your head around, especially when it is so natural to want to believe that people are really good deep down. On the other had though, realizing that every one is selfish, relieves you of trying so hard not to be. I am upset that no one actually gives a single shit, but so stoked that I don't have to either anymore. I guess I see the appeal now that they saw all along.
I realized, that if you don't have money, transportation, sex, or the promise of any of the aforementioned list, chances are, people aren't going to care. Of course, there are a select few who are an exception, but they are few and far between.
I know that my biggest mistakes with people are trusting them and forgiving them when they break that trust. Over and over. I am far too trusting and forgiving. I am strong and opinionated but I tend to let people walk all over me too. I am over that. I am over the feeling of being let down on a close to constant basis. I give everything I have to the people I love and get nothing back.
I don't want to be that jaded, cynical, ass hole who doesn't let any one get close, but I feel it happening. I feel myself getting more and more angry at people in general as the days go on. It's irritating.
It really sucks, because the more I feel this way, the more I feel myself becoming a person who I hate. I am becoming more like them.
I realized, that if you don't have money, transportation, sex, or the promise of any of the aforementioned list, chances are, people aren't going to care. Of course, there are a select few who are an exception, but they are few and far between.
I know that my biggest mistakes with people are trusting them and forgiving them when they break that trust. Over and over. I am far too trusting and forgiving. I am strong and opinionated but I tend to let people walk all over me too. I am over that. I am over the feeling of being let down on a close to constant basis. I give everything I have to the people I love and get nothing back.
I don't want to be that jaded, cynical, ass hole who doesn't let any one get close, but I feel it happening. I feel myself getting more and more angry at people in general as the days go on. It's irritating.
It really sucks, because the more I feel this way, the more I feel myself becoming a person who I hate. I am becoming more like them.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
I can't stand outspoken atheists.
This conversation took place between me and a friend of my fathers after he posted this on my dads wall on facebook: "Todays bible study topic: Women keep your mouths shut and obey men! Timothy 2 11-14 "11 A woman should learn in quietness and full submission.12 I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent.13 For Adam was formed first, then Eve.14 And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner"
I clearly don't lack the stomach to stand up for what I believe in, when someone sounds over the top, pretentious, arrogant, and ignorant, I have no problem letting them know. I DID get that from my mother and as much as she pisses me off I couldn't be happier for that. Maybe you lacked compassion and imagination in your life that would make you be able to comprehend that maybe, JUST maybe there are other ideas that could be right besides your own. How selfish of you to think you hold any authority. Who are you to try to take that feeling of hope from someone. I won't pray for you, but I really hope someone does, because, shit, if they are right... you're screwed.
You make assumptions about me that are not only wrong but incredibly insulting.
First of all, do not try to take blows at my intelligence.
I am damn smart, and my curiosity about a higher power does not change that for a second.
Second of all, I am very aware of religion in politics and if you took the time to ask me instead of making up your own mind about how I think, you'd know that I am extremely against it.
But all that aside, what I am really confused about is your point?
You have missed mine almost every time you respond, and really just prove me right with every response. My entire argument was that I think the way you shove your beliefs in peoples faces is hypocritical and mean. It isn't your place and I think it's wrong.
You think that posting your bullshit bible verses on peoples facebook, or arguing with me/my mother is going to change anything? If you are so outraged, attend a protest, write a fucking letter, anything else. The problem is, I don't think you even care if things change, I think you just feel important when you rant and you like to piss people off. I would bet my life you also enjoy pushing little children off swings, but that's another story.
You sound like an ignorant, close minded, jerk with nothing better to do than intentionally shit on what something that makes people happy. It is pathetic.
Find a better way to fight for your beliefs, because honestly, facebook is kind of an immature way to do it don't you think? If you feel so strongly about it, maybe start a blog where people who give a shit can read your pessimistic thoughts and you can all sit in the dark, pout together, until you eventually die... and nothing happens.
Also, I am not sure whether or not I am supposed to be offended that you think I wasn't molested... I am not offended, but I am worried that you say you are a father of daughters but also think it is ok to use things like sexual abuse in such a lax way. That kinda makes me sick, but to be honest I don't expect much else from you.
Second of all, I did finish school and I am not sure where you are getting your information. Actually, if I may brag a little, I graduated with honors and as valedictorian of my class, as well as receiving a five thousand dollar scholarship to travel abroad for a month. I actually did very well.
And as far as your comment on "familial dissatisfaction" goes, I love my family. They are infuriating at times, but I love my parents a lot, and honestly, I would choose them and their beliefs over someone like you. Honestly, I feel bad for anyone who has to share a bloodline with some one so mean.
So I guess what I am trying to say, you pretentious piece of shit, is maybe you don't know much of anything at all and should think before you talk.
This is the conversation that took place after.
Me: I hope this was posted to be ironic.
Him:
I am a committed atheist Deavon. Every week I post a bible verse verbatim and watch Christians apologists attempt to justify their childish beliefs. Your mother no longer speaks to me. All I did was qoute her holy book.Religion is like an opiate. It gives you a warm contented feeling and answers lifes difficult questions with simplistic aphorisms. The important questions are never answered by contented people full of childish certitude. Progress has always been made by the restlessly curious individuals who challenge themselves and the world. Feeling is easy, thinking is hard.
Me:
I am fully aware of your beliefs, which is why I was curious. I get where you are coming from but I also think your opinion is a little harsh. My mother picks and chooses what and when she believes. I choose to not be preached to, which Atheists seem to do as much as Christians. You are comforted with the thought of nothing in the same way the spiritual are with god. Careful not to become a hypocrite.And to separate thought form feeling is a silly thing to do. Where do you think thoughts stem from? OR feelings for that matter?Him:
Its not about seeking comfort its about seeking objective truth. Your mother claims to be a devout christian but when confronted with passages from her own holy book she basically sticks her fingers in her ears and shouts " nah nah nah I cant hear you".When faced with irrefutable evidence contradicting her preposterous view of the world she scampered away with her fingers in your ears like a frightened child. I hate ignorance and superstition. Religion has historically been against progress. Great men such as Copernicus, Galileo and Descartes faced persecution and condemnation as they attempted lift us out of the darkness of the Middle Ages. Even today we are fighting the retrograde forces of religion. How many years did Bush’s stem cell ban set science back? How many lives will ultimately be lost because of this wrongheaded decision? The Church has also been on the wrong side of the social sciences for over 1,500 years, actively promoting slavery, anti-Semitism, the torture and murder of women as witches.
Me:
Uh, yeah I get it... We are on the same page. But how are you not just as bad as a them? Forcing your beliefs, or lack there of, on everyone else? You don't want to believe in god then don't, but where do you get off thinking it's your place in anyway to tell people how they should think of what they believe, when it is something you don't? Me and my mother disagree on pretty much everything, I am not defending my mother necessarily, I am defending myself. I am not a Christian, I am pretty close to an Athiest, but I have my beliefs and I find it counter productive to shove them in other peoples faces. You are making us look bad. Look at yourself. Glass houses, stones, all that. Don't think that your way with words and 'facts' come off as anything close to wisdom. You remind me of a reverse priest.You might as well be going door to door on Saturday mornings passing out pamphlets.Him:Going door to door would be a good idea. Ignorance and superstition should be confronted; especially an ignorance as pernicious as religion. I believe that blind faith in anything, be it your religion or your political leaders and government, will get you killed. Religion encourages lazy thinking and undermines critical thinking skills. I believe that the practice of teaching children to believe in things that cannot be proved contributes to this problem as it undermines crucial critical thinking skills. It teaches people not to question. If religionists would keep their beliefs to themselves and not try to force their totalitarian and monolithic authoritarianism on everyone else perhaps I would not be so militant. But Fox news and much of the Gop field believe they are in a culture war and beat the war drum calling for the return to Christian values; ie: the suppression of women, homosexuals, minorities and the teaching of creationism in public schools. You may lack he stomach to fight this nonsense. Maybe deep down you are like your mother and secretly welcome the idea of a firm paternalistic rule.
Me: "If religionists would keep their beliefs to themselves and not try to force their totalitarian and monolithic authoritarianism on everyone else perhaps I would not be so militant" Please explain how this statement makes any sense whatsoever? How are you not forcing your beliefs on people? How are you any better than a religious person preaching? I am not Christian. I have my own issues with religion, and I understand what you are saying in a sense. But I think you get really lost in your wordy justifications that you are unaware how silly you sound.
I believe everyone has a right to be happy and believe what they want, until it comes to them shoving it down other peoples throats which is exactly what you do. I clearly don't lack the stomach to stand up for what I believe in, when someone sounds over the top, pretentious, arrogant, and ignorant, I have no problem letting them know. I DID get that from my mother and as much as she pisses me off I couldn't be happier for that. Maybe you lacked compassion and imagination in your life that would make you be able to comprehend that maybe, JUST maybe there are other ideas that could be right besides your own. How selfish of you to think you hold any authority. Who are you to try to take that feeling of hope from someone. I won't pray for you, but I really hope someone does, because, shit, if they are right... you're screwed.
Him: I lack imagination? Christians continue to believe the same silly fairy tales that they were taught in Sunday school when they were 5. They have their beliefs and morals spoon-fed to them like an infant. You need to open a newspaper or check out some news sites. Open your eyes. There are theocratic governments throughout the world who murder and repress people in the name of god. There are people in this country who would love to restrict your basic liberties in jesus' name. As a libertarian I dont care what a person does. We are not the ones trying to enact sodomy laws or undermine science teaching in school. We dont blow up abortion clinics or deny people basic rights because of thir sexual orientation. We dont fly planes into buildings or blow up schools. We dont burn witches or cut off little girls clitoris'.For 1500 years christians beat, murdered and savaged non- believers. You burned our books siezed our property and drove us into exile. Now You think I an out of line for ridiculing believers? I think you are gutless and prefer to keep one safe foot in the god camp.
Me: I did all this? That's funny because I could have swore that I said I was not a christian. Either way, you are so full of hate and malice that you are no different them. what a lonely, angry life you must live. How terrible to have a such a selfish and closed mind. You condemn them for hate in the same breath you use to say you hate them. You could never ever possibly know what the answer is. NO ONE can. I think that your attitude is disgusting and your repetitive way of justifying your bullshit is even worse. I never said that the religious were always good, sometimes they are very bad. But your ignorant one sidedness is blinding you from the fact that there are a lot of really fucking good people out there who have been inspired to be so by their religion. Faith in a god gave them a purpose. What's your's? This? "Disproving" something that makes people feel good? I feel like maybe you should re evaluate Mr. Munson. You are hateful and closed minded and saying "well they started it" isn't a very good excuse. Another thing my mom was wrong about? Wisdom doesn't always come with age.
Him: What a stupid comment. Of course you didn't do all that. You just apologize for the people who do those things. I don't need an imaginary friend to inspire me to do good or act as my cosmic warden to prevent me from doing evil. I am an independent free thinking human who doesn't need a book of myths and its detestable morals spoon fed to me by some ass hat preacher to find my purpose. You obviously have a limited understanding of history and don't realize how religion has hindered human progress. The middle ages, a time when religion dominated everything, were called the dark ages for a reason. As an uneducated product of the public school system I'm sure that you are unaware of this. I'm sure you don't read newspapers and have no idea that the Christian right has seized control of one of our two major political parties and wish to rule the country using biblical principles. Santorum has gone on record not only opposing abortion and gay rights but also birth control. He also supports the return of sodomy laws. If I'm angry its because I love freedom and despise the people who try to limit it. I am open minded to logical naturalistic explanations. I'm not a silly credulous child who is willing to accept some wish washy bullshit to feel spiritual or inclusive.
Me: Oh, you again... days later. How embarrassing.
But if you insist on keeping this going, because you are either really bored or lonely, like I suspect you are, than fine. You make assumptions about me that are not only wrong but incredibly insulting.
First of all, do not try to take blows at my intelligence.
I am damn smart, and my curiosity about a higher power does not change that for a second.
Second of all, I am very aware of religion in politics and if you took the time to ask me instead of making up your own mind about how I think, you'd know that I am extremely against it.
But all that aside, what I am really confused about is your point?
You have missed mine almost every time you respond, and really just prove me right with every response. My entire argument was that I think the way you shove your beliefs in peoples faces is hypocritical and mean. It isn't your place and I think it's wrong.
You think that posting your bullshit bible verses on peoples facebook, or arguing with me/my mother is going to change anything? If you are so outraged, attend a protest, write a fucking letter, anything else. The problem is, I don't think you even care if things change, I think you just feel important when you rant and you like to piss people off. I would bet my life you also enjoy pushing little children off swings, but that's another story.
You sound like an ignorant, close minded, jerk with nothing better to do than intentionally shit on what something that makes people happy. It is pathetic.
Find a better way to fight for your beliefs, because honestly, facebook is kind of an immature way to do it don't you think? If you feel so strongly about it, maybe start a blog where people who give a shit can read your pessimistic thoughts and you can all sit in the dark, pout together, until you eventually die... and nothing happens.
Him: Instead of defending your point you seem content to aim pointless insults at me. You don't know the first thing about me. I actually have a quite interesting and fulfilling life. I have raised two remarkable young women and am currently raising a third. I guess probably a major reason for my disgust and revulsion for religion stems from my respect for women and the way religion denigrates women. I am very involved with politics and am active in the skeptics community and the libertarian party. I have had dozens of letters published in various periodicals on a myriad of subjects. I posted the bible verse in your fathers site as a lark. I thought he may get a kick out of it as in the past during his neanderthal days he would go on these rants about the inferiority of women. I think he has changed since then. My estrangement from your mother stems from a friendly dialog I was having with your aunt leeann. Your mother, upset with the tone of the conversation, rudely interjected and broke off all ties from me because of my religious beliefs. I would never break ties with someone because of their personal views. One of my closest friends is a pastor and we have had many deep and meaningful discussions on theology. Sometimes I think your mother resent me for introducing her to your dad. Interestingly, 5 minutes ago, a car load of Jehovah's witnesses appeared at my door looking for my foster daughter and spewing their flavor of religious nonsense. I was actually quite amicable to them as I find it hard to be rude to silly deluded old women. I do love abusing Mormons however. My point in all this is that I would never attempt to impose my lifestyle on anyone else. The brainwashed minions of religious cults on the other hand feel that it is their god given right to impose their ridiculous religious strictures on others.
Me: blah blah blah. I am over your (much too) wordy explanations of the same thing over and over. Take the last word if you'd like. I'm bored.
(This is clearly where I really did become bored, and felt like this shit was going nowhere.. so I decided to troll a little.)
Him:That was quick. Seems that you need to get a life. Do you ever get off of Facebook? I'm going over it over and over to try to drive my point into your thick Snoke skull. This began as a private joke between me and your father. It had nothing to do with you. Like mother like daughter I guess. You are obviously to immature to engage in an intelligent debate on the merits of religion and desperately cling on to some ridiculous shreds of magical belief despite your better judgement. I believe in confronting superstition, misogyny and prejudice head on. Why hold the hand that holds you down? No problem has ever been solved by holding a drum circle or holding hands while singing kum by la. Or praying for that matter. Grow up.
Me: I hope I am JUST like you when I do grow up. bitter, mean, close minded, and debating with 22 year olds on the internet. You are living the dream arent cha?
Him: There you go again; instead of explaining your thoughts, if indeed you have any, you instead hurl invective. You are a waste of time but since I'm sitting at the dentist waiting for my daughter and I've already browsed the readers digest selection I thought I would chat with you. Actually I'm quite happy, thank you. I have a good job and am surrounded by people who love me. Are you projecting some kind of familial dissatisfaction on me? What happened to you to make you such a miserable little troll? Ok you are not much to look at and have flunked out of school but many homely unsuccessful people are not as thoroughly unpleasant as you are. It must be something deeper and more profound that made you such a hideous little gorgon. What happened? I doubt if you were molested. I guess one of the few advantages of being physically repulsive is immunity from predators. Were you unloved?
Me: Huh. Well, I am shocked at your immaturity, with you being so old and all.
First of all, I am fucking adorable. So I will just ignore your comments about my appearance, because I am not a vapid child and I am not easily offended when people attack the way I look.Also, I am not sure whether or not I am supposed to be offended that you think I wasn't molested... I am not offended, but I am worried that you say you are a father of daughters but also think it is ok to use things like sexual abuse in such a lax way. That kinda makes me sick, but to be honest I don't expect much else from you.
Second of all, I did finish school and I am not sure where you are getting your information. Actually, if I may brag a little, I graduated with honors and as valedictorian of my class, as well as receiving a five thousand dollar scholarship to travel abroad for a month. I actually did very well.
And as far as your comment on "familial dissatisfaction" goes, I love my family. They are infuriating at times, but I love my parents a lot, and honestly, I would choose them and their beliefs over someone like you. Honestly, I feel bad for anyone who has to share a bloodline with some one so mean.
So I guess what I am trying to say, you pretentious piece of shit, is maybe you don't know much of anything at all and should think before you talk.
Shortly after my last comment, I received an apology in my inbox from Mr. Munson. I feel like if I accomplish nothing in my life, at least I won this argument.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
If you weren't sure if I was emo before, haha ooh man...
So today was just an asshole. One of those days where I drop/break everything I touch, burn my mouth on everything I eat, every plan I make falls through, everything sad I could possibly think about jumps into my head all at once... and then to top it off.. I am alone and don't even have a social outlet in which to ignore my problems.
I am just really aware these days of how much I am going backwards instead of forwards. I am annoyed with who I am right now, because it is not anyone I am comfortable being. I am too old for this. I want so much more for myself.
I look at the people around me and how they can just make things happen, which is how I used to be. I just knew what I needed and made it fucking happen. I guess it's like... You can be really good at keeping your house clean but if you let it slide for awhile you don't know where to start, and next thing you know you are a hoarder with opossums hiding under your chair.
Let me put it in perspective, I am the opossum. Or maybe I am the chair... Either way, I am in the way and I don't belong here.
This is not just about money. Of course, I need a job so I can take care of myself, and that involves money, but the worst part of all of this is all the fucking free time. All these days blending together, and there is only so much I can do to feel productive, which is bringing out the addict in me. Idle hands are Deavon's play things, right, isn't that how it goes?
When I am alone and bored I want to use. I want to get drunk. I want to make everything go away. I am not good at thinking about things I don't want to think about.
I guess that is just something I never learned, how to deal with feelings. I want to be happy all the time, and when I can't do it on my own I look for something, or someone, who can. Even if it's temporary.
Isn't that the most pathetic shit you ever heard? I have known and disliked people exactly like me and now I have become them.
I need to be in the woods. I think I will go for a hike soon, even if it's all by myself.
I am just really aware these days of how much I am going backwards instead of forwards. I am annoyed with who I am right now, because it is not anyone I am comfortable being. I am too old for this. I want so much more for myself.
I look at the people around me and how they can just make things happen, which is how I used to be. I just knew what I needed and made it fucking happen. I guess it's like... You can be really good at keeping your house clean but if you let it slide for awhile you don't know where to start, and next thing you know you are a hoarder with opossums hiding under your chair.
Let me put it in perspective, I am the opossum. Or maybe I am the chair... Either way, I am in the way and I don't belong here.
This is not just about money. Of course, I need a job so I can take care of myself, and that involves money, but the worst part of all of this is all the fucking free time. All these days blending together, and there is only so much I can do to feel productive, which is bringing out the addict in me. Idle hands are Deavon's play things, right, isn't that how it goes?
When I am alone and bored I want to use. I want to get drunk. I want to make everything go away. I am not good at thinking about things I don't want to think about.
I guess that is just something I never learned, how to deal with feelings. I want to be happy all the time, and when I can't do it on my own I look for something, or someone, who can. Even if it's temporary.
Isn't that the most pathetic shit you ever heard? I have known and disliked people exactly like me and now I have become them.
I need to be in the woods. I think I will go for a hike soon, even if it's all by myself.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
What if...
Every day was treated like a new beginning?
Where grudges, bitterness, unforgiveness, and worries died the moment your head hit the pillow. And at the time you had awaken to a new morning your mind would be renewed, not lacking knowledge or wisdom from the past, but building on what has been made from prior situations and circumstances.
Each person you'd come into contact with you'd treat like it had been the first time you'd met them and your first impression persona was at the top of it's game. Being kind, loving, unconditional in terms of your friendship in how things are done to show thanks. What if, we did things without having presumptuous intentions of wanting to be thanked for what we had done.
What if, we shared our gifts just out of love and never had the expectations of wanting to be loved in return, because we had the reassurance of knowing we're already loved regardless of what we do.
What if, our confidence was placed in something bigger then ourselves so that our dreams weren't limited to our own fears and insecurities.
What if, believing was reality?
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
I am not sure why I have been thinking about this so much.
The first time I met my father, I was 13. I was what my mother deemed "out of control." She decided that her punishments weren't enough and called my father to come and discipline me in a way she thought would put me in my place.
He walked up to our porch, this stranger, this man who might as well have been dead my whole life. I didn't know who he was at first, and through drags of one of my mothers stolen Marlbros I examined him. He had long, blonde hair that fell out of the bottom of his bandanna and I immediately suspected he was bald underneath that. He wore an ear ring that depicted a full silver skeleton and a flowing white shirt with a draw string at the collar, tight black jeans, and cowboy boots.
"Who are you?" I asked him, snubbing my cigarette on the bottom of my boot.
"Well, it turns out I am your father."
I fought the urge to yell "NOOOOO!" Like Luke did when he found out about daddy Darth.
But instead, I said, "You look like a pirate."
He laughed. Too loud, and for too long. It annoyed me.
"Well, it turns out I am your father."
I fought the urge to yell "NOOOOO!" Like Luke did when he found out about daddy Darth.
But instead, I said, "You look like a pirate."
He laughed. Too loud, and for too long. It annoyed me.
"Your mom called me and told me you were getting into trouble."
I didn't respond... I was still reeling over the fact that Long John Silver had something to do with my conception.
"She wants me to beat your ass." He said simply.
"...And?"
He looked confused. "And... I mean to."
I didn't respond... I was still reeling over the fact that Long John Silver had something to do with my conception.
"She wants me to beat your ass." He said simply.
"...And?"
He looked confused. "And... I mean to."
I squinted at him, "Oh."
There was a long awkward pause where we both tried to figure out what came next. A man who had no experience with disciplining a child, and a child with no frame of reference for discipline.
There was a long awkward pause where we both tried to figure out what came next. A man who had no experience with disciplining a child, and a child with no frame of reference for discipline.
We were in a pickle.
"I guess you should probably get to it, I have shit to do." I said.
"I don't think you are supposed to cuss."
I shrugged.
He walked up the porch steps and motioned for me to stand up, I did, and he sat down in my spot.
"You smell." I told him.
He did his too loud, too long laugh again. "Well I hitch hiked here from down south, I can't imagine I smell like flowers. OH SHIT! That reminds me, these are for you." He reached inside his shirt and pulled out a small bunch of wildflowers, held together by a rubber band.
I took them, they were wilted, and slightly crushed, but I thanked him anyway.
"Alright, better get this over with." He instructed me to lay on my stomach, over his lap, so that my hands were flat on the ground beside him, and my toes touched the other side.
He proceeded to spank me. This was not something new to me, I had been spanked many times in my life by my mother, babysitters, but never in such a strange situation. It was never, "hello, nice to meet you, I am here to beat your ass."
When he was finished, he helped me up and straightened my sweater."Well?" He asked, "What do you think?"
"I don't think you are supposed to cuss."
I shrugged.
He walked up the porch steps and motioned for me to stand up, I did, and he sat down in my spot.
"You smell." I told him.
He did his too loud, too long laugh again. "Well I hitch hiked here from down south, I can't imagine I smell like flowers. OH SHIT! That reminds me, these are for you." He reached inside his shirt and pulled out a small bunch of wildflowers, held together by a rubber band.
I took them, they were wilted, and slightly crushed, but I thanked him anyway.
"Alright, better get this over with." He instructed me to lay on my stomach, over his lap, so that my hands were flat on the ground beside him, and my toes touched the other side.
He proceeded to spank me. This was not something new to me, I had been spanked many times in my life by my mother, babysitters, but never in such a strange situation. It was never, "hello, nice to meet you, I am here to beat your ass."
When he was finished, he helped me up and straightened my sweater."Well?" He asked, "What do you think?"
I thought for a second. I analyzed this man who chose to stay away from me my whole life, the man who my mother blamed for all my rebellion, the man who could explain all the alienation I felt from my mother and her family, he was who I got my eyes from. This man who could help me understand.
I crossed my arms and before I turned and went into the house I said,
I crossed my arms and before I turned and went into the house I said,
"My mom spanks harder."
I heard him laughing as I shut the door, that too loud, too long laugh. I could hear him laughing as he crossed the yard and walked down the street. Too long, too loud.
Not mine
Let us not care when our lips rain sounds
that revolve around dreams
where our strength
requires effort in saying
I love you.
In those times when our faces prepare
for answers when we are all alone
let us somehow
be brought together,
holding hands, down on our knees.
Let us allow our fingers to run away
into the clear waters
of the language of our hearts
until we are lifted up
and refreshed anew.
Let our hearts always skip a beat
at the sight of the other
and our bodies
sway towards one another to bring
comfort into our lives.
Let us always dry each other's tears
and send the pain
we see in the other's eyes
into the arms that wait
to crush its very air.
that revolve around dreams
where our strength
requires effort in saying
I love you.
In those times when our faces prepare
for answers when we are all alone
let us somehow
be brought together,
holding hands, down on our knees.
Let us allow our fingers to run away
into the clear waters
of the language of our hearts
until we are lifted up
and refreshed anew.
Let our hearts always skip a beat
at the sight of the other
and our bodies
sway towards one another to bring
comfort into our lives.
Let us always dry each other's tears
and send the pain
we see in the other's eyes
into the arms that wait
to crush its very air.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
It never seems to get any easier.
They say that time heals everything, and I really thought it could, but it seems to be the opposite in this case. The longer you're gone the more I miss you and the harder it gets. There always seems to be something I wish I could tell you, or something I know you'd love that I can't share with you, a song on the radio that seems to keep you in my head. I love you so much and the memory of you is what keeps me going. You made me who I am today and it sucks you aren't around to experience the world with me. Fucking partners in crime. I will never ever forget you.
This picture wouldn't seem appropriate to anyone for a message like this unless they knew you. I still hate that shirt. :)
alleyways and pay phone calls.
Cool story, you should save it and tell it at parties.
I feel like the rant I am about to issue is more than likely one of the most over ranted about subjects in the history of woman rants. None the less, it is important to me and has been coming up a lot lately in my own personal life and I would really like to address my views on it.
When it comes down to it, the expectations that society sets for women are almost completely unattainable and unrealistic. I have a feeling that may have been redundant, but fuck your standards.
Lately it has been being brought to my attention, that despite my personal belief, I am not in fact a size 5. SHOCKING, I know. I feel like the older I get, the more people think it is somehow justifiable to inform me that I happen to be overweight. Whatever that even means.
(Pro tip: Don't fucking call a girl fat. So rude, so juvenile, so unnecessary, and so not your place.)
I understand there is a certain health standard that determines if you are at a healthy weight I get that, but what happens if you feel healthy, can participate in any activity a thin person can, but because of your height/weight ratio, you are still considered 'unhealthy' or 'overweight'? Bitch, I feel FINE.
I might be wrong, but in my experience, when a doctor tells me I am overweight, or not at a healthy weight according to my height, I want to scream.
Yes, I could probably lose a few pounds, mainly because when I wear a swimsuit this summer I want people to be able to see it. I'm sure that if my genes were tweaked a little and I didn't develop a giant fucking rack, butt, and hips by the fourth grade, it would be a different story. I am sure I would be tiny and petite and maybe even TAN. But I am not, and that is just the way the cookie crumbles. (NOMNOMNOM)
Last time I went to the doctor, he showed me a graph. It showed height and weight and where I should be on the scale. At my height, 5'4", I was expected to be between 120-130 pounds at the most. I lol'd in his face. With my natural body type, no healthy form of dieting would ever get me to that size, and if it did, I would look like the fucking crypt keeper.
I am about to deliver the most hysterical statement I could possibly say right now, "I am big boned."
I'm not kidding, yes I have extra weight I don't want, but I also have a very boxy frame, that in my experience doesn't look good with skin stretched over it. I have weighed less than that before at a point in my life I am not proud of and believe you will not ever see picture proof. It was disgusting.
I guess what I am getting at is, fuck it. If I feel good physically and my weight isn't holding me back from doing anything, then fuck a line graph, I am doing alright.
And as far as the social standard of women and weight go, why is it that to be considered a beautiful woman, we have to look like a man?
Guys, if you want to date a girl with a mans body, date a guy, I assure you there will be less drama, better music, and no week out of the month where you fear for your life.
Not to mention, that pesky toilet seat will stay just where you want it to.
Why is there even a black and white guideline to what beauty is? Who is making the rules? Why isn't a chubby belly and legs just as cute as a flat stomach and long legs? So strange.
In conclusion, I am confident that skinny does not exclusively equal beautiful or feminine, and the system for determining healthy weight is absurd.
(Also, I am in no way ignoring the ridiculous standards set for men either, but I figure if you have read this far better not push my luck.)
When it comes down to it, the expectations that society sets for women are almost completely unattainable and unrealistic. I have a feeling that may have been redundant, but fuck your standards.
Lately it has been being brought to my attention, that despite my personal belief, I am not in fact a size 5. SHOCKING, I know. I feel like the older I get, the more people think it is somehow justifiable to inform me that I happen to be overweight. Whatever that even means.
(Pro tip: Don't fucking call a girl fat. So rude, so juvenile, so unnecessary, and so not your place.)
I understand there is a certain health standard that determines if you are at a healthy weight I get that, but what happens if you feel healthy, can participate in any activity a thin person can, but because of your height/weight ratio, you are still considered 'unhealthy' or 'overweight'? Bitch, I feel FINE.
I might be wrong, but in my experience, when a doctor tells me I am overweight, or not at a healthy weight according to my height, I want to scream.
Yes, I could probably lose a few pounds, mainly because when I wear a swimsuit this summer I want people to be able to see it. I'm sure that if my genes were tweaked a little and I didn't develop a giant fucking rack, butt, and hips by the fourth grade, it would be a different story. I am sure I would be tiny and petite and maybe even TAN. But I am not, and that is just the way the cookie crumbles. (NOMNOMNOM)
Last time I went to the doctor, he showed me a graph. It showed height and weight and where I should be on the scale. At my height, 5'4", I was expected to be between 120-130 pounds at the most. I lol'd in his face. With my natural body type, no healthy form of dieting would ever get me to that size, and if it did, I would look like the fucking crypt keeper.
I am about to deliver the most hysterical statement I could possibly say right now, "I am big boned."
I'm not kidding, yes I have extra weight I don't want, but I also have a very boxy frame, that in my experience doesn't look good with skin stretched over it. I have weighed less than that before at a point in my life I am not proud of and believe you will not ever see picture proof. It was disgusting.
I guess what I am getting at is, fuck it. If I feel good physically and my weight isn't holding me back from doing anything, then fuck a line graph, I am doing alright.
And as far as the social standard of women and weight go, why is it that to be considered a beautiful woman, we have to look like a man?
Guys, if you want to date a girl with a mans body, date a guy, I assure you there will be less drama, better music, and no week out of the month where you fear for your life.
Not to mention, that pesky toilet seat will stay just where you want it to.
Why is there even a black and white guideline to what beauty is? Who is making the rules? Why isn't a chubby belly and legs just as cute as a flat stomach and long legs? So strange.
In conclusion, I am confident that skinny does not exclusively equal beautiful or feminine, and the system for determining healthy weight is absurd.
(Also, I am in no way ignoring the ridiculous standards set for men either, but I figure if you have read this far better not push my luck.)
Friday, February 3, 2012
English, motherfucker, do you speak it?
If I am going to get my life together I need to start by giving a shit about something.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
A few things I know
I know I am alive, and regardless of past feelings about that fact, I am stoked about it. Life can suck, bad.. But god, when it is good it is so good, and fuck me for ever forgetting that.
I know I have people that love me, no matter how many reasons I give them not to. I don't deserve my friends, and they don't deserve the shit I have put them through, but I am so happy I have them.
I know I can't control what happens around me, only how I react to it.
I know I don't need any one thing to define me as a person. Just because I am not very good at one thing in particular, doesn't mean I am not interesting or special.
I know Everything happens for a reason. I am where I am in life because it is where I need to be.
Shut up, I really believe that.
I know that I am manic. I am unpredictable. I am spontaneous to a fault. I am opinionated. I bite my fucking nails.
I know I am a human being. I need to remember to remember that.
I know that I am smart. I am not a genius, but I know what's right, what's wrong, and I could run circles around you in a game of Scatagories, I am sure.
I know that I am happy, and it's because I am trying. You become unhappy when you give up.
I know I have people that love me, no matter how many reasons I give them not to. I don't deserve my friends, and they don't deserve the shit I have put them through, but I am so happy I have them.
I know I can't control what happens around me, only how I react to it.
I know I don't need any one thing to define me as a person. Just because I am not very good at one thing in particular, doesn't mean I am not interesting or special.
I know Everything happens for a reason. I am where I am in life because it is where I need to be.
Shut up, I really believe that.
I know that I am manic. I am unpredictable. I am spontaneous to a fault. I am opinionated. I bite my fucking nails.
I know I am a human being. I need to remember to remember that.
I know that I am smart. I am not a genius, but I know what's right, what's wrong, and I could run circles around you in a game of Scatagories, I am sure.
I know that I am happy, and it's because I am trying. You become unhappy when you give up.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
The guy from Drowning Pool drowned in his own puke. Irony is hilarious.
The passed few weeks have proven to be extremely difficult and also a big fucking mess of FUCK MY LIFE.
Between losing my job, leaving my piece of shit boyfriend, becoming homeless, finding out my grandma has breast cancer, my dad refusing FREE rehab and a FREE liver transplant because he doesn't want to stop drinking, my phone getting shut off, seeing my rapist on the street, all my friends unloading all of their own shit storms of problems on me as if I could possibly have any answers, and my favorite cat ever dying... I am due for a nervous breakdown at any moment.
I have a metric ton of shit dumping on me all at once, and let me tell you, it is getting a little stuffy in here.
I have caught myself almost screaming, "R2 SHUT DOWN ALL THE FUCKING TRASH COMPACTORS!!" As I wade through the garbage that I have let my life get buried in.
One of the things I can say about myself in confidence is that I am a fighter. I am a victim of circumstance, but despite the shitty hand I was dealt, I have always been able to deal and stay positive. I have never been one to let the negatives in my life take over the positive. I am an emotional Fort Knox for the most part.
But dude, I am still a girl, and sometimes, I just wanna snuggle.
I realize that as hard and tough as I WANT to be, every once in a while I get over whelmed and want someone to be like, "Ya know what man? You are gonna be ok."
I am damn good at taking responsibility for problems in my life that I have caused. Sometimes too good, in that I blame myself for things that I had no control over. I try my best to not attend my own pity parties. But right now, I just want to cut off all my fingers except the middle ones and wave at everyone as I ride off into the sunset.
Or just have a cute boy tell me I am pretty.
Shit, I told you I was a girl.
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, but I do wish I had someone that I could talk and relate to, that won't just wait for me to stop talking so they can talk about themselves.
I am not Dr. Phil. I cannot help you.
I am about two years clean and there have only been two times since my last time using that I have gotten the itch so bad that I have literally had to leave the room that my phone was in, go smoke 5 cigarettes, and shake for a minute. I have felt like that non stop the past two days. Heroin was such a good fucking listener.
I have started a list of things I need to do to get myself out of this mess.
Hopefully it works.
/EndWhineSession
Between losing my job, leaving my piece of shit boyfriend, becoming homeless, finding out my grandma has breast cancer, my dad refusing FREE rehab and a FREE liver transplant because he doesn't want to stop drinking, my phone getting shut off, seeing my rapist on the street, all my friends unloading all of their own shit storms of problems on me as if I could possibly have any answers, and my favorite cat ever dying... I am due for a nervous breakdown at any moment.
I have a metric ton of shit dumping on me all at once, and let me tell you, it is getting a little stuffy in here.
I have caught myself almost screaming, "R2 SHUT DOWN ALL THE FUCKING TRASH COMPACTORS!!" As I wade through the garbage that I have let my life get buried in.
One of the things I can say about myself in confidence is that I am a fighter. I am a victim of circumstance, but despite the shitty hand I was dealt, I have always been able to deal and stay positive. I have never been one to let the negatives in my life take over the positive. I am an emotional Fort Knox for the most part.
But dude, I am still a girl, and sometimes, I just wanna snuggle.
I realize that as hard and tough as I WANT to be, every once in a while I get over whelmed and want someone to be like, "Ya know what man? You are gonna be ok."
I am damn good at taking responsibility for problems in my life that I have caused. Sometimes too good, in that I blame myself for things that I had no control over. I try my best to not attend my own pity parties. But right now, I just want to cut off all my fingers except the middle ones and wave at everyone as I ride off into the sunset.
Or just have a cute boy tell me I am pretty.
Shit, I told you I was a girl.
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, but I do wish I had someone that I could talk and relate to, that won't just wait for me to stop talking so they can talk about themselves.
I am not Dr. Phil. I cannot help you.
I am about two years clean and there have only been two times since my last time using that I have gotten the itch so bad that I have literally had to leave the room that my phone was in, go smoke 5 cigarettes, and shake for a minute. I have felt like that non stop the past two days. Heroin was such a good fucking listener.
I have started a list of things I need to do to get myself out of this mess.
Hopefully it works.
/EndWhineSession
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Two in one day? You betcha.
I feel this is an appropriate place to rant about this:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/23/rick-santorum-abortion-rape_n_1224624.html?ref=politics
It is not a hard feat to get me irate about something, but if you ever feel like you are lacking in the "what can I do to get Deavon fuming her face off" department, here are a few things you can bring up:
Rape, Abortion, Stupid Politics, Censorship, and Religion-Especially when it plays a part in any of the aforementioned list.
(Also, the subject of Courtney Love having anything to do with Kurt Cobain's death will usually send me in to a pretty impressive rage session, but for once, that is irrelevant.)
Back to the article. Allow me to take a few deep, cleansing breaths to try and maintain a pleasant, and professional demeanor.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/23/rick-santorum-abortion-rape_n_1224624.html?ref=politics
It is not a hard feat to get me irate about something, but if you ever feel like you are lacking in the "what can I do to get Deavon fuming her face off" department, here are a few things you can bring up:
Rape, Abortion, Stupid Politics, Censorship, and Religion-Especially when it plays a part in any of the aforementioned list.
(Also, the subject of Courtney Love having anything to do with Kurt Cobain's death will usually send me in to a pretty impressive rage session, but for once, that is irrelevant.)
Back to the article. Allow me to take a few deep, cleansing breaths to try and maintain a pleasant, and professional demeanor.
This absolute waste of life is GOP (and what a grand ol party it is) presidential candidate Rick Santorum and I wish he was dead. Not only is he a Republican, which is one of the only types of people that can get me to feel as close to racist as I can get (Juggelos coming in close second), but he is also probably one of the biggest boners I have encountered in the little reading I choose to do involving politics.
If you took the time to read that pile of nonsense you would have discovered that Santorum is against abortion. Yeah, okay, so are a lot of completely diluted Christian Republicans (hand meet hand). I have a problem with that already, but for him to blatantly state that a woman should not be able to choose to terminate a pregnancy if she is raped, including a situation of incest is absolute fucking insanity. He goes on to say that even if his own daughter was raped and was begging for an abortion he would tell her, "accept this horribly created" baby, because it was still a gift from God, even if given in a "broken" way."
WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK?!?!!?
Allow me to spiral into a world where people walk on their hands and eat with their feet.
His whole argument was based on a completely casual cliche "Make the best of a bad situation."
What the... I don't even... I just can't...
Now allow me to bombard you even more with my opinions on this fucking shit storm.
First of all, rape is not a "bad" situation. It is a fucking awful situation. And there is no way in hell I can imagine raising the child of a man who stole one of the few things we have to give willingly, as anything close to making the best of it. Not only would it be hard for the woman, bringing up a child who would more than likely represent something absolutely traumatizing that happened to her, but think of this kid!
My father was a product of rape. His mother did what she could for him and loved him like a mother should. She dealt with the ordeal every way she knew how. My dad on the other hand, a man in his fifties now, struggles with identity, guilt, and the ever looming reminder that he; wasn't planned, was forced into his mothers body, and that his father was a rapist.
I am not saying that abortion isn't something that shouldn't be thought out, it is also a very hard thing to go through and live with. But I highly doubt that coping with the side effects that come with choosing to have an abortion even compare to the life long struggle you may experience raising the child of someone who raped you.
Everyone woman is different and that is why every woman should have a choice, especially in the case of rape.
One more thing. This may be the cynical, non-religious side of me talking, but, a God that gives you a gift in the form of rape isn't one I could get behind. And who is to say that the baby was the gift? Maybe the option of having an abortion and being able to help other people struggling with that same issue was your purpose? No one has the right to say what God's plans are and aren't. Especially a man who is biased on account of his wife (a former pro-choice liberal), having an affair with an abortion doctor. (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2087812/Rick-Santorums-wife-Karen-love-affair-abortion-doctor.html)
To quote a friend of mine, "Those of us who don't have wombs have no business determining abortion laws."
Word.
And I'm done.
Let's try this again, shall we?
Every six months or so, I start a blog, dump a whole bunch of depressing shit into it, forget I have it, find it, rage at how dumb I am, and delete it.
I am going to do my best to refrain from repeating that cycle and write for real.
I can't promise it will be anything interesting to anyone but me, but at least it won't all be about that guy who dumped me like four years ago. NO one needs that.
I am going to do my best to refrain from repeating that cycle and write for real.
I can't promise it will be anything interesting to anyone but me, but at least it won't all be about that guy who dumped me like four years ago. NO one needs that.
Where I am right now is a pretty much the same place I have been since I was a teenager. One dead end job after another, no constant living space, and a slew of failed relationships with what turns out to be essentially the same guy every time.
(Note to self: Stop dating guys in bands who can't remember the last time they read a book, their beard isn't that cool and they WILL cheat on you.)
I just got let go from a seasonal position at Kohl's which was a blessing and a curse. I hated it there more than anything, but having an income (small as it was...) was better than not. SO I start the seemingly never ending search for a job yet again.
I just got let go from a seasonal position at Kohl's which was a blessing and a curse. I hated it there more than anything, but having an income (small as it was...) was better than not. SO I start the seemingly never ending search for a job yet again.
Despite my current situation, I am doing my best to stay positive. It's a strength I can usually turn on and off depending how stubborn I am feeling about it. But shit, it could be a lot worse.
I feel really shallow and #firstworldpains-ish when I complain about things like this. People are straight starving to death, watching their homes get blown up, dying of disease... and I am sitting in a warm apartment, overweight, eating an oatmeal cookie, and BLOGGING about my fucking inability to get a job. What about that guys inability to get clean drinking water? Man I am a selfish cow.
My point?
I probably shouldn't have a blog.
Stay tuned though, who knows. It might get better.
Ps. I have a crush on a guy who doesn't have a fucking beard. Life sure is zany.
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