Sick

I am sick of women thinking being a bitch is a sign of empowerment.
"Yeah, I'm a bitch and proud of it, I tell it like it is!"
Honesty and malice aren't related, not even cousins.
I am sick of little kids being lied to about what love is,
Like Edward and Bella wouldn't be on sixteen and pregnant about to have twins.
I am sick of how love is portrayed as this easy obsession that is flawless and intense,
and defined in a matter of days.
Like if a man doesn't swear himself within a few hours of meeting,
he can't have real feelings for you ever,
and that's because in movies, love is forever.
And sometimes it doesn't work like that,
Sometimes you have to fall so deep in love you fall flat on your back,
and sometimes that person doesn't love you back like that,
and sometimes you get lost in love and have to find your way back,
and sometimes you have to back track to see what went wrong,
and sometimes you find it,
but it took too long,
and now you're stuck on your back for a man who doesn't love you back,
and you go back and forth between love and respect and can't decide which you want more,
when in reality?
Every one deserves both.
I'm sick of feeling like I can't show feeling.
Like a guy will be head over heels until I say something real,
and then I am crazy and clingy when all I was doing was telling you it hurts when you talk to other girls because that was never part of the deal.
I am sick of men being so indecisive.
Like they want it all,
but in reality they only want parts of it.
Like, "Be there for me when I need you, but don't expect me to do the same," and "Don't even look at another guy, but don't trip when you hear another girls name."
Like, "See ya baby, I'm goin out with the guys, don't wait up, I won't be back until sunrise."
Then the girl says, "Hey, I'm gonna go visit with the girls."
"Who's gonna be there, what time will you be back, will you be drinking, will there be other guys there, if so don't bother coming back."
I am sick of being compared to a man when I say something that gives an impression of how smart I am.
I am sick of being called a tomboy because I am strong and don't dress like I am going dancing every day,
and if I do, I am dressed the same way.
I am sick of being told I look like a dyke,
because first of all,
WHAT THE FUCK DOES SEXUAL PREFERENCE LOOK LIKE?
And second of all, my body is mine and that means strangers don't need to look at it all the time.
I am sick of girls acting like they aren't just as shallow as guys sometimes,
Like a guy will turn a girl down if she doesn't have the right color eyes,
but what girl hasn't turned away a guy because of his.... wallet... size.
I am sick of country singers practically rapping in their songs,
Like "I like my cowgirls in straw hats and thongs, she thinks my tractors sexy, and I smoke weed on the beach!"
The fuck would Johnny Cash say if he heard the shit they are trying to teach?
I am sick of losing the people I love to the drug I tried so hard to protect them from,
and I am sick of feeling like a hypocrite because sometimes...
I still want some.
I am sick of living in a world that makes people want to escape so bad they will abandon every dream they ever had.
I am sick of not feeling good enough because of what society tells me.
I am sick of blaming society when in reality, it's because that guy dumped me.
I am sick of walking through spider webs and beating the shit out of myself,
Like why hasn't evolution helped us spot that shit by now?
Speaking of evolution, I am sick of living in a generation of grown up kids,
and sick that I am a part of it.
I am a 22 year old toddler.
A walking, talking, fit throwing baby, with no motivation, and a valid Oregon ID.
I am sick of being too naive to stop trusting everyone I meet,
and I am sick of everyone seeing that and taking advantage of me.
I am sick of not feeling butterflies anymore,
like no one impresses me enough for my jaw to hit the floor,
and that's only because I am jaded and I have seen it all before.
I get it, you're in a band... snoooorrreee...
I am sick of feeling jealous of every girl that walks by,
because they have shiny hair and skinny thighs,
When I should know that confidence is so much sexier than what most girls do to impress guys.
I am sick of complaining so much I forgot what I was complaining about,
and by now I'm sure everyone has nodded out.
But wake up, I'm not sick of you yet.

Unfinished, unorganized, and unimpressive. I just need a place to store my slam.

Lighting a cigarette with the butt of my last.
Over exaggerated smiles to the ghosts of my past.
Pretending I don't seem them,
Ignoring they exist,
Even though they left their mark on my heart and my wrists
The feeling of needing something I can never have is killing me faster than the smokes in my bag.
Wanna clear my head,
Wanna erase you from it,
But your smile and your eyes keep flooding it.
How you made me feel was an indescribable bliss,
They way you changed my purpose with that first kiss.
Every time I write, I write about you.
Even when I swear to myself it's something I won't do.
Never again,
He's gone now for good.
No more torturing myself,
I will move on like you said I would.
But never the less
Every time I hold a pen,
Your lips, and your eyes, and your hips, and your lies, come scribbling out of it again.
I have spent so much time trying to define our love.
Did I imagine you?
Or were you really sent from above to teach me things,
Like love, and addiction, and fate, and pain?
How could something that feels so good be so bad for me?
You made me feel alive despite the fact that in hind sight you were deadly.
But I live, and walk, and moan, and stalk
You
Like a zombie.
But I don't want to eat your brain,
Just devour your thoughts and absorb your pain.
Rip open your mind
And sink my teeth into the memories of you and me
Then spit them out at your feet.
Because how could a boy like you forget a girl like me?

My ears are ringing.

The feeling you get when you realize that every one is only looking out for themselves is really interesting. It is depressing, because you realize that you can't trust any one, and any hope you had that there really was good in people is gone. That is hard to wrap your head around, especially when it is so natural to want to believe that people are really good deep down. On the other had though, realizing that every one is selfish, relieves you of trying so hard not to be. I am upset that no one actually gives a single shit, but so stoked that I don't have to either anymore. I guess I see the appeal now that they saw all along.
I realized, that if you don't have money, transportation, sex, or the promise of any of the aforementioned list, chances are, people aren't going to care. Of course, there are a select few who are an exception, but they are few and far between.
I know that my biggest mistakes with people are trusting them and forgiving them when they break that trust. Over and over. I am far too trusting and forgiving. I am strong and opinionated but I tend to let people walk all over me too. I am over that. I am over the feeling of being let down on a close to constant basis. I give everything I have to the people I love and get nothing back.
I don't want to be that jaded, cynical, ass hole who doesn't let any one get close, but I feel it happening. I feel myself getting more and more angry at people in general as the days go on. It's irritating.
It really sucks, because the more I feel this way, the more I feel myself becoming a person who I hate. I am becoming more like them.

I can't stand outspoken atheists.

This conversation took place between me and a friend of my fathers after he posted this on my dads wall on facebook: "Todays bible study topic: Women keep your mouths shut and obey men! Timothy 2 11-14 "11 A woman should learn in quietness and full submission.12 I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent.13 For Adam was formed first, then Eve.14 And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner"

This is the conversation that took place after. 

Me: I hope this was posted to be ironic.

Him: 

I am a committed atheist Deavon. Every week I post a bible verse verbatim and watch Christians apologists attempt to justify their childish beliefs. Your mother no longer speaks to me. All I did was qoute her holy book.Religion is like an opiate. It gives you a warm contented feeling and answers lifes difficult questions with simplistic aphorisms. The important questions are never answered by contented people full of childish certitude. Progress has always been made by the restlessly curious individuals who challenge themselves and the world. Feeling is easy, thinking is hard.

Me:

I am fully aware of your beliefs, which is why I was curious. I get where you are coming from but I also think your opinion is a little harsh. My mother picks and chooses what and when she believes. I choose to not be preached to, which Atheists seem to do as much as Christians. You are comforted with the thought of nothing in the same way the spiritual are with god. Careful not to become a hypocrite.And to separate thought form feeling is a silly thing to do. Where do you think thoughts stem from? OR feelings for that matter?

Him:  

Its not about seeking comfort its about seeking objective truth. Your mother claims to be a devout christian but when confronted with passages from her own holy book she basically sticks her fingers in her ears and shouts " nah nah nah I cant hear you".When faced with irrefutable evidence contradicting her preposterous view of the world she scampered away with her fingers in your ears like a frightened child. I hate ignorance and superstition. Religion has historically been against progress. Great men such as Copernicus, Galileo and Descartes faced persecution and condemnation as they attempted lift us out of the darkness of the Middle Ages. Even today we are fighting the retrograde forces of religion. How many years did Bush’s stem cell ban set science back? How many lives will ultimately be lost because of this wrongheaded decision? The Church has also been on the wrong side of the social sciences for over 1,500 years, actively promoting slavery, anti-Semitism, the torture and murder of women as witches.

Me:

Uh, yeah I get it... We are on the same page. But how are you not just as bad as a them? Forcing your beliefs, or lack there of, on everyone else? You don't want to believe in god then don't, but where do you get off thinking it's your place in anyway to tell people how they should think of what they believe, when it is something you don't? Me and my mother disagree on pretty much everything, I am not defending my mother necessarily, I am defending myself. I am not a Christian, I am pretty close to an Athiest, but I have my beliefs and I find it counter productive to shove them in other peoples faces. You are making us look bad. Look at yourself. Glass houses, stones, all that. Don't think that your way with words and 'facts' come off as anything close to wisdom. You remind me of a reverse priest.You might as well be going door to door on Saturday mornings passing out pamphlets.

Him:Going door to door would be a good idea. Ignorance and superstition should be confronted; especially an ignorance as pernicious as religion. I believe that blind faith in anything, be it your religion or your political leaders and government, will get you killed. Religion encourages lazy thinking and undermines critical thinking skills. I believe that the practice of teaching children to believe in things that cannot be proved contributes to this problem as it undermines crucial critical thinking skills. It teaches people not to question. If religionists would keep their beliefs to themselves and not try to force their totalitarian and monolithic authoritarianism on everyone else perhaps I would not be so militant. But Fox news and much of the Gop field believe they are in a culture war and beat the war drum calling for the return to Christian values; ie: the suppression of women, homosexuals, minorities and the teaching of creationism in public schools. You may lack he stomach to fight this nonsense. Maybe deep down you are like your mother and secretly welcome the idea of a firm paternalistic rule.

Me: ‎"If religionists would keep their beliefs to themselves and not try to force their totalitarian and monolithic authoritarianism on everyone else perhaps I would not be so militant" Please explain how this statement makes any sense whatsoever? How are you not forcing your beliefs on people? How are you any better than a religious person preaching? I am not Christian. I have my own issues with religion, and I understand what you are saying in a sense. But I think you get really lost in your wordy justifications that you are unaware how silly you sound. 

I believe everyone has a right to be happy and believe what they want, until it comes to them shoving it down other peoples throats which is exactly what you do. 
I clearly don't lack the stomach to stand up for what I believe in, when someone sounds over the top, pretentious, arrogant, and ignorant, I have no problem letting them know. I DID get that from my mother and as much as she pisses me off I couldn't be happier for that. Maybe you lacked compassion and imagination in your life that would make you be able to comprehend that maybe, JUST maybe there are other ideas that could be right besides your own. How selfish of you to think you hold any authority. Who are you to try to take that feeling of hope from someone. I won't pray for you, but I really hope someone does, because, shit, if they are right... you're screwed.

Him: I lack imagination? Christians continue to believe the same silly fairy tales that they were taught in Sunday school when they were 5. They have their beliefs and morals spoon-fed to them like an infant. You need to open a newspaper or check out some news sites. Open your eyes. There are theocratic governments throughout the world who murder and repress people in the name of god. There are people in this country who would love to restrict your basic liberties in jesus' name. As a libertarian I dont care what a person does. We are not the ones trying to enact sodomy laws or undermine science teaching in school. We dont blow up abortion clinics or deny people basic rights because of thir sexual orientation. We dont fly planes into buildings or blow up schools. We dont burn witches or cut off little girls clitoris'.For 1500 years christians beat, murdered and savaged non- believers. You burned our books siezed our property and drove us into exile. Now You think I an out of line for ridiculing believers? I think you are gutless and prefer to keep one safe foot in the god camp.

Me: I did all this? That's funny because I could have swore that I said I was not a christian. Either way, you are so full of hate and malice that you are no different them. what a lonely, angry life you must live. How terrible to have a such a selfish and closed mind. You condemn them for hate in the same breath you use to say you hate them. You could never ever possibly know what the answer is. NO ONE can. I think that your attitude is disgusting and your repetitive way of justifying your bullshit is even worse. I never said that the religious were always good, sometimes they are very bad. But your ignorant one sidedness is blinding you from the fact that there are a lot of really fucking good people out there who have been inspired to be so by their religion. Faith in a god gave them a purpose. What's your's? This? "Disproving" something that makes people feel good? I feel like maybe you should re evaluate Mr. Munson. You are hateful and closed minded and saying "well they started it" isn't a very good excuse. Another thing my mom was wrong about? Wisdom doesn't always come with age.

Him: What a stupid comment. Of course you didn't do all that. You just apologize for the people who do those things. I don't need an imaginary friend to inspire me to do good or act as my cosmic warden to prevent me from doing evil. I am an independent free thinking human who doesn't need a book of myths and its detestable morals spoon fed to me by some ass hat preacher to find my purpose. You obviously have a limited understanding of history and don't realize how religion has hindered human progress. The middle ages, a time when religion dominated everything, were called the dark ages for a reason. As an uneducated product of the public school system I'm sure that you are unaware of this. I'm sure you don't read newspapers and have no idea that the Christian right has seized control of one of our two major political parties and wish to rule the country using biblical principles. Santorum has gone on record not only opposing abortion and gay rights but also birth control. He also supports the return of sodomy laws. If I'm angry its because I love freedom and despise the people who try to limit it. I am open minded to logical naturalistic explanations. I'm not a silly credulous child who is willing to accept some wish washy bullshit to feel spiritual or inclusive.

Me: Oh, you again... days later. How embarrassing. 

But if you insist on keeping this going, because you are either really bored or lonely, like I suspect you are, than fine. 
You make assumptions about me that are not only wrong but incredibly insulting.
First of all, do not try to take blows at my intelligence.
I am damn smart, and my curiosity about a higher power does not change that for a second.
Second of all, I am very aware of religion in politics and if you took the time to ask me instead of making up your own mind about how I think, you'd know that I am extremely against it.
But all that aside, what I am really confused about is your point?
You have missed mine almost every time you respond, and really just prove me right with every response. My entire argument was that I think the way you shove your beliefs in peoples faces is hypocritical and mean. It isn't your place and I think it's wrong.
You think that posting your bullshit bible verses on peoples facebook, or arguing with me/my mother is going to change anything? If you are so outraged, attend a protest, write a fucking letter, anything else. The problem is, I don't think you even care if things change, I think you just feel important when you rant and you like to piss people off. I would bet my life you also enjoy pushing little children off swings, but that's another story.
You sound like an ignorant, close minded, jerk with nothing better to do than intentionally shit on what something that makes people happy. It is pathetic.
Find a better way to fight for your beliefs, because honestly, facebook is kind of an immature way to do it don't you think? If you feel so strongly about it, maybe start a blog where people who give a shit can read your pessimistic thoughts and you can all sit in the dark, pout together, until you eventually die... and nothing happens.

Him: Instead of defending your point you seem content to aim pointless insults at me. You don't know the first thing about me. I actually have a quite interesting and fulfilling life. I have raised two remarkable young women and am currently raising a third. I guess probably a major reason for my disgust and revulsion for religion stems from my respect for women and the way religion denigrates women. I am very involved with politics and am active in the skeptics community and the libertarian party. I have had dozens of letters published in various periodicals on a myriad of subjects. I posted the bible verse in your fathers site as a lark. I thought he may get a kick out of it as in the past during his neanderthal days he would go on these rants about the inferiority of women. I think he has changed since then. My estrangement from your mother stems from a friendly dialog I was having with your aunt leeann. Your mother, upset with the tone of the conversation, rudely interjected and broke off all ties from me because of my religious beliefs. I would never break ties with someone because of their personal views. One of my closest friends is a pastor and we have had many deep and meaningful discussions on theology. Sometimes I think your mother resent me for introducing her to your dad. Interestingly, 5 minutes ago, a car load of Jehovah's witnesses appeared at my door looking for my foster daughter and spewing their flavor of religious nonsense. I was actually quite amicable to them as I find it hard to be rude to silly deluded old women. I do love abusing Mormons however. My point in all this is that I would never attempt to impose my lifestyle on anyone else. The brainwashed minions of religious cults on the other hand feel that it is their god given right to impose their ridiculous religious strictures on others.

Me:  blah blah blah. I am over your (much too) wordy explanations of the same thing over and over. Take the last word if you'd like. I'm bored.

(This is clearly where I really did become bored, and felt like this shit was going nowhere.. so I decided to troll a little.)

Him:That was quick. Seems that you need to get a life. Do you ever get off of Facebook? I'm going over it over and over to try to drive my point into your thick Snoke skull. This began as a private joke between me and your father. It had nothing to do with you. Like mother like daughter I guess. You are obviously to immature to engage in an intelligent debate on the merits of religion and desperately cling on to some ridiculous shreds of magical belief despite your better judgement. I believe in confronting superstition, misogyny and prejudice head on. Why hold the hand that holds you down? No problem has ever been solved by holding a drum circle or holding hands while singing kum by la. Or praying for that matter. Grow up.

Me: I hope I am JUST like you when I do grow up. bitter, mean, close minded, and debating with 22 year olds on the internet. You are living the dream arent cha?

Him: There you go again; instead of explaining your thoughts, if indeed you have any, you instead hurl invective. You are a waste of time but since I'm sitting at the dentist waiting for my daughter and I've already browsed the readers digest selection I thought I would chat with you. Actually I'm quite happy, thank you. I have a good job and am surrounded by people who love me. Are you projecting some kind of familial dissatisfaction on me? What happened to you to make you such a miserable little troll? Ok you are not much to look at and have flunked out of school but many homely unsuccessful people are not as thoroughly unpleasant as you are. It must be something deeper and more profound that made you such a hideous little gorgon. What happened? I doubt if you were molested. I guess one of the few advantages of being physically repulsive is immunity from predators. Were you unloved?

Me: Huh. Well, I am shocked at your immaturity, with you being so old and all. 

First of all, I am fucking adorable. So I will just ignore your comments about my appearance, because I am not a vapid child and I am not easily offended when people attack the way I look.
Also, I am not sure whether or not I am supposed to be offended that you think I wasn't molested... I am not offended, but I am worried that you say you are a father of daughters but also think it is ok to use things like sexual abuse in such a lax way. That kinda makes me sick, but to be honest I don't expect much else from you.
Second of all, I did finish school and I am not sure where you are getting your information. Actually, if I may brag a little, I graduated with honors and as valedictorian of my class, as well as receiving a five thousand dollar scholarship to travel abroad for a month. I actually did very well.
And as far as your comment on "familial dissatisfaction" goes, I love my family. They are infuriating at times, but I love my parents a lot, and honestly, I would choose them and their beliefs over someone like you. Honestly, I feel bad for anyone who has to share a bloodline with some one so mean.
So I guess what I am trying to say, you pretentious piece of shit, is maybe you don't know much of anything at all and should think before you talk.

Shortly after my last comment, I received an apology in my inbox from Mr. Munson. I feel like if I accomplish nothing in my life, at least I won this argument. 

If you weren't sure if I was emo before, haha ooh man...

So today was just an asshole. One of those days where I drop/break everything I touch, burn my mouth on everything I eat, every plan I make falls through, everything sad I could possibly think about jumps into my head all at once... and then to top it off.. I am alone and don't even have a social outlet in which to ignore my problems.
I am just really aware these days of how much I am going backwards instead of forwards. I am annoyed with who I am right now, because it is not anyone I am comfortable being. I am too old for this. I want so much more for myself.
I look at the people around me and how they can just make things happen, which is how I used to be. I just knew what I needed and made it fucking happen. I guess it's like... You can be really good at keeping your house clean but if you let it slide for awhile you don't know where to start, and next thing you know you are a hoarder with opossums hiding under your chair.
Let me put it in perspective, I am the opossum. Or maybe I am the chair... Either way, I am in the way and I don't belong here.
This is not just about money. Of course, I need a job so I can take care of myself, and that involves money, but the worst part of all of this is all the fucking free time. All these days blending together, and there is only so much I can do to feel productive, which is bringing out the addict in me. Idle hands are Deavon's play things, right, isn't that how it goes?
When I am alone and bored I want to use. I want to get drunk. I want to make everything go away. I am not good at thinking about things I don't want to think about.
I guess that is just something I never learned, how to deal with feelings. I want to be happy all the time, and when I can't do it on my own I look for something, or someone, who can. Even if it's temporary.
Isn't that the most pathetic shit you ever heard? I have known and disliked people exactly like me and now I have become them.
I need to be in the woods. I think I will go for a hike soon, even if it's all by myself.

What if...

Every day was treated like a new beginning?

Where grudges, bitterness, unforgiveness, and worries died the moment your head hit the pillow. And at the time you had awaken to a new morning your mind would be renewed, not lacking knowledge or wisdom from the past, but building on what has been made from prior situations and circumstances.

Each person you'd come into contact with you'd treat like it had been the first time you'd met them and your first impression persona was at the top of it's game. Being kind, loving, unconditional in terms of your friendship in how things are done to show thanks. What if, we did things without having presumptuous intentions of wanting to be thanked for what we had done.

What if, we shared our gifts just out of love and never had the expectations of wanting to be loved in return, because we had the reassurance of knowing we're already loved regardless of what we do.

What if, our confidence was placed in something bigger then ourselves so that our dreams weren't limited to our own fears and insecurities.

What if, believing was reality?

I am not sure why I have been thinking about this so much.

The first time I met my father, I was 13. I was what my mother deemed "out of control." She decided that her punishments weren't enough and called my father to come and discipline me in a way she thought would put me in my place.

He walked up to our porch, this stranger, this man who might as well have been dead my whole life. I didn't know who he was at first, and through drags of one of my mothers stolen Marlbros I examined him. He had long, blonde hair that fell out of the bottom of his bandanna and I immediately suspected he was bald underneath that. He wore an ear ring that depicted a full silver skeleton and a flowing white shirt with a draw string at the collar, tight black jeans, and cowboy boots. 

"Who are you?" I asked him, snubbing my cigarette on the bottom of my boot.
"Well, it turns out I am your father."
I fought the urge to yell "NOOOOO!" Like Luke did when he found out about daddy Darth.
But instead, I said, "You look like a pirate."
He laughed. Too loud, and for too long. It annoyed me. 

"Your mom called me and told me you were getting into trouble."
I didn't respond... I was still reeling over the fact that Long John Silver had something to do with my conception.
"She wants me to beat your ass." He said simply.
"...And?"
He looked confused. "And... I mean to."

I squinted at him, "Oh."
There was a long awkward pause where we both tried to figure out what came next. A man who had no experience with disciplining a child, and a child with no frame of reference for discipline. 

We were in a pickle. 

"I guess you should probably get to it, I have shit to do." I said.
"I don't think you are supposed to cuss."
I shrugged.
He walked up the porch steps and motioned for me to stand up, I did, and he sat down in my spot.
"You smell." I told him.
He did his too loud, too long laugh again. "Well I hitch hiked here from down south, I can't imagine I smell like flowers. OH SHIT! That reminds me, these are for you." He reached inside his shirt and pulled out a small bunch of wildflowers, held together by a rubber band.
I took them, they were wilted, and slightly crushed, but I thanked him anyway.
"Alright, better get this over with." He instructed me to lay on my stomach, over his lap, so that my hands were flat on the ground beside him, and my toes touched the other side.
He proceeded to spank me. This was not something new to me, I had been spanked many times in my life by my mother, babysitters, but never in such a strange situation. It was never, "hello, nice to meet you, I am here to beat your ass."
When he was finished, he helped me up and straightened my sweater."Well?" He asked, "What do you think?"

I thought for a second. I analyzed this man who chose to stay away from me my whole life, the man who my mother blamed for all my rebellion, the man who could explain all the alienation I felt from my mother and her family, he was who I got my eyes from. This man who could help me understand.
I crossed my arms and before I turned and went into the house I said, 

"My mom spanks harder."

I heard him laughing as I shut the door, that too loud, too long laugh. I could hear him laughing as he crossed the yard and walked down the street. Too long, too loud. 

Not mine

Let us not care when our lips rain sounds 
that revolve around dreams
where our strength
requires effort in saying
I love you.

In those times when our faces prepare 
for answers when we are all alone
let us somehow 
be brought together, 
holding hands, down on our knees.

Let us allow our fingers to run away 
into the clear waters
of the language of our hearts 
until we are lifted up 
and refreshed anew.

Let our hearts always skip a beat 
at the sight of the other
and our bodies
sway towards one another to bring 
comfort into our lives.

Let us always dry each other's tears 
and send the pain 
we see in the other's eyes 
into the arms that wait
to crush its very air.

It never seems to get any easier.

They say that time heals everything, and I really thought it could, but it seems to be the opposite in this case. The longer you're gone the more I miss you and the harder it gets. There always seems to be something I wish I could tell you, or something I know you'd love that I can't share with you, a song on the radio that seems to keep you in my head. I love you so much and the memory of you is what keeps me going. You made me who I am today and it sucks you aren't around to experience the world with me. Fucking partners in crime. I will never ever forget you. 

This picture wouldn't seem appropriate to anyone for a message like this unless they knew you. I still hate that shirt. :)

alleyways and pay phone calls. 

Cool story, you should save it and tell it at parties.

 I feel like the rant I am about to issue is more than likely one of the most over ranted about subjects in the history of woman rants. None the less, it is important to me and has been coming up a lot lately in my own personal life and I would really like to address my views on it.

When it comes down to it, the expectations that society sets for women are almost completely unattainable and unrealistic. I have a feeling that may have been redundant, but fuck your standards.
Lately it has been being brought to my attention, that despite my personal belief, I am not in fact a size 5. SHOCKING, I know. I feel like the older I get, the more people think it is somehow justifiable to inform me that I happen to be overweight. Whatever that even means.
(Pro tip: Don't fucking call a girl fat. So rude, so juvenile, so unnecessary, and so not your place.)
I understand there is a certain health standard that determines if you are at a healthy weight I get that, but what happens if you feel healthy, can participate in any activity a thin person can, but because of your height/weight ratio, you are still considered 'unhealthy' or 'overweight'? Bitch, I feel FINE.
I might be wrong, but in my experience, when a doctor tells me I am overweight, or not at a healthy weight according to my height, I want to scream.
Yes, I could probably lose a few pounds, mainly because when I wear a swimsuit this summer I want people to be able to see it. I'm sure that if my genes were tweaked a little and I didn't develop a giant fucking rack, butt, and hips by the fourth grade, it would be a different story. I am sure I would be tiny and petite and maybe even TAN. But I am not, and that is just the way the cookie crumbles. (NOMNOMNOM)
Last time I went to the doctor, he showed me a graph. It showed height and weight and where I should be on the scale. At my height, 5'4", I was expected to be between 120-130 pounds at the most. I lol'd in his face. With my natural body type, no healthy form of dieting would ever get me to that size, and if it did, I would look like the fucking crypt keeper.
I am about to deliver the most hysterical statement I could possibly say right now, "I am big boned."
I'm not kidding, yes I have extra weight I don't want, but I also have a very boxy frame, that in my experience doesn't look good with skin stretched over it. I have weighed less than that before at a point in my life I am not proud of and believe you will not ever see picture proof. It was disgusting.
I guess what I am getting at is, fuck it. If I feel good physically and my weight isn't holding me back from doing anything, then fuck a line graph, I am doing alright.
And as far as the social standard of women and weight go, why is it that to be considered a beautiful woman, we have to look like a man?
Guys, if you want to date a girl with a mans body, date a guy, I assure you there will be less drama, better music, and no week out of the month where you fear for your life.
Not to mention, that pesky toilet seat will stay just where you want it to.
Why is there even a black and white guideline to what beauty is? Who is making the rules? Why isn't a chubby belly and legs just as cute as a flat stomach and long legs? So strange.
In conclusion, I am confident that skinny does not exclusively equal beautiful or feminine, and the system for determining healthy weight is absurd.
(Also, I am in no way ignoring the ridiculous standards set for men either, but I figure if you have read this far better not push my luck.)

English, motherfucker, do you speak it?

If I am going to get my life together I need to start by giving a shit about something.

A few things I know

I know I am alive, and regardless of past feelings about that fact, I am stoked about it. Life can suck, bad.. But god, when it is good it is so good, and fuck me for ever forgetting that.
I know I have people that love me, no matter how many reasons I give them not to. I don't deserve my friends, and they don't deserve the shit I have put them through, but I am so happy I have them.
I know I can't control what happens around me, only how I react to it.
I know I don't need any one thing to define me as a person. Just because I am not very good at one thing in particular, doesn't mean I am not interesting or special.
I know Everything happens for a reason. I am where I am in life because it is where I need to be.
Shut up, I really believe that.
I know that I am manic. I am unpredictable. I am spontaneous to a fault. I am opinionated. I bite my fucking nails.
I know I am a human being. I need to remember to remember that.
I know that I am smart. I am not a genius, but I know what's right, what's wrong, and I could run circles around you in a game of Scatagories, I am sure.

I know that I am happy, and it's because I am trying. You become unhappy when you give up.