Fuck bitches, get money.

Or, ya know, contribute to society in a positive way.

The guy from Drowning Pool drowned in his own puke. Irony is hilarious.

The passed few weeks have proven to be extremely difficult and also a big fucking mess of FUCK MY LIFE.
Between losing my job, leaving my piece of shit boyfriend, becoming homeless, finding out my grandma has breast cancer, my dad refusing FREE rehab and a FREE liver transplant because he doesn't want to stop drinking, my phone getting shut off, seeing my rapist on the street, all my friends unloading all of their own shit storms of problems on me as if I could possibly have any answers, and my favorite cat ever dying... I am due for a nervous breakdown at any moment.
I have a metric ton of shit dumping on me all at once, and let me tell you, it is getting a little stuffy in here.
I have caught myself almost screaming, "R2 SHUT DOWN ALL THE FUCKING TRASH COMPACTORS!!" As I wade through the garbage that I have let my life get buried in.
One of the things I can say about myself in confidence is that I am a fighter. I am a victim of circumstance, but despite the shitty hand I was dealt, I have always been able to deal and stay positive. I have never been one to let the negatives in my life take over the positive. I am an emotional Fort Knox for the most part.
But dude, I am still a girl, and sometimes, I just wanna snuggle.
I realize that as hard and tough as I WANT to be, every once in a while I get over whelmed and want someone to be like, "Ya know what man? You are gonna be ok."
I am damn good at taking responsibility for problems in my life that I have caused. Sometimes too good, in that I blame myself for things that I had no control over. I try my best to not attend my own pity parties. But right now, I just want to cut off all my fingers except the middle ones and wave at everyone as I ride off into the sunset.
Or just have a cute boy tell me I am pretty.
Shit, I told you I was a girl.
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, but I do wish I had someone that I could talk and relate to, that won't just wait for me to stop talking so they can talk about themselves.
I am not Dr. Phil. I cannot help you.
I am about two years clean and there have only been two times since my last time using that I have gotten the itch so bad that I have literally had to leave the room that my phone was in, go smoke 5 cigarettes, and shake for a minute. I have felt like that non stop the past two days. Heroin was such a good fucking listener.
I have started a list of things I need to do to get myself out of this mess.
Hopefully it works.

/EndWhineSession

Two in one day? You betcha.

I feel this is an appropriate place to rant about this:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/23/rick-santorum-abortion-rape_n_1224624.html?ref=politics


It is not a hard feat to get me irate about something, but if you ever feel like you are lacking in the "what can I do to get Deavon fuming her face off" department, here are a few things you can bring up:
Rape, Abortion, Stupid Politics, Censorship, and Religion-Especially when it plays a part in any of the aforementioned list.
(Also, the subject of Courtney Love having anything to do with Kurt Cobain's death will usually send me in to a pretty impressive rage session, but for once, that is irrelevant.)


Back to the article. Allow me to take a few deep, cleansing breaths to try and maintain a pleasant, and professional demeanor.

This absolute waste of life is GOP (and what a grand ol party it is) presidential candidate Rick Santorum and I wish he was dead. Not only is he a Republican, which is one of the only types of people that can get me to feel as close to racist as I can get (Juggelos coming in close second), but he is also probably one of the biggest boners I have encountered in the little reading I choose to do involving politics. 

If you took the time to read that pile of nonsense you would have discovered that Santorum is against abortion. Yeah, okay, so are a lot of completely diluted Christian Republicans (hand meet hand). I have a problem with that already, but for him to blatantly state that a woman should not be able to choose to terminate a pregnancy if she is raped, including a situation of incest is absolute fucking insanity. He goes on to say that even if his own daughter was raped and was begging for an abortion he would tell her, "accept this horribly created" baby, because it was still a gift from God, even if given in a "broken" way."

WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK?!?!!?

Allow me to spiral into a world where people walk on their hands and eat with their feet. 

His whole argument was based on a completely casual cliche "Make the best of a bad situation."

What the... I don't even... I just can't...

Now allow me to bombard you even more with my opinions on this fucking shit storm. 

First of all, rape is not a "bad" situation. It is a fucking awful situation. And there is no way in hell I can imagine raising the child of a man who stole one of the few things we have to give willingly, as anything close to making the best of it. Not only would it be hard for the woman, bringing up a child who would more than likely represent something absolutely traumatizing that happened to her, but think of this kid!

My father was a product of rape. His mother did what she could for him and loved him like a mother should. She dealt with the ordeal every way she knew how. My dad on the other hand, a man in his fifties now, struggles with identity, guilt, and the ever looming reminder that he; wasn't planned, was forced into his mothers body, and that his father was a rapist. 

I am not saying that abortion isn't something that shouldn't be thought out, it is also a very hard thing to go through and live with. But I highly doubt that coping with the side effects that come with choosing to have an abortion even compare to the life long struggle you may experience raising the child of someone who raped you.

Everyone woman is different and that is why every woman should have a choice, especially in the case of rape. 

One more thing. This may be the cynical, non-religious side of me talking, but, a God that gives you a gift in the form of rape isn't one I could get behind. And who is to say that the baby was the gift? Maybe the option of having an abortion and being able to help other people struggling with that same issue was your purpose? No one has the right to say what God's plans are and aren't. Especially a man who is biased on account of his wife (a former pro-choice liberal), having an affair with an abortion doctor. (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2087812/Rick-Santorums-wife-Karen-love-affair-abortion-doctor.html)

To quote a friend of mine, "Those of us who don't have wombs have no business determining abortion laws."

Word. 

And I'm done.

Let's try this again, shall we?

Every six months or so, I start a blog, dump a whole bunch of depressing shit into it, forget I have it, find it, rage at how dumb I am, and delete it.
I am going to do my best to refrain from repeating that cycle and write for real.
I can't promise it will be anything interesting to anyone but me, but at least it won't all be about that guy who dumped me like four years ago. NO one needs that.

Where I am right now is a pretty much the same place I have been since I was a teenager. One dead end job after another, no constant living space, and a slew of failed relationships with what turns out to be essentially the same guy every time. 

(Note to self: Stop dating guys in bands who can't remember the last time they read a book, their beard isn't that cool and they WILL cheat on you.)

I just got let go from a seasonal position at Kohl's which was a blessing and a curse. I hated it there more than anything, but having an income (small as it was...) was better than not. SO I start the seemingly never ending search for a job yet again. 

Despite my current situation, I am doing my best to stay positive. It's a strength I can usually turn on and off depending how stubborn I am feeling about it. But shit, it could be a lot worse. 

I feel really shallow and #firstworldpains-ish when I complain about things like this. People are straight starving to death, watching their homes get blown up, dying of disease... and I am sitting in a warm apartment, overweight, eating an oatmeal cookie, and BLOGGING about my fucking inability to get a job. What about that guys inability to get clean drinking water?  Man I am a selfish cow.

My point? 

I probably shouldn't have a blog. 

Stay tuned though, who knows. It might get better. 

Ps. I have a crush on a guy who doesn't have a fucking beard. Life sure is zany.